Young Writers Society

Heya! I have nothing to say about this poem other than the fact that it is written very well, and gave us the message you meant to express! Props to you, Panda!

I love it, the whole theme of suicide... taking a realistic thing like that an dputting it into an almost wistful way like this.

But I must have to say, I would have liked more information on WHY she was thinking about falling. What made her want to do suicide? What happened to her?

In the end, it was quite sad.

Your poem had an engaging rhyme- scheme and I loved it! It's really catchy too.

Keep writing like this! Aqua. XD

Hey Panda!

I'm going to do a quick stanza by stanza review of your poem. I will say I don't feel that an E rating is appropriate for a poem about suicide. I would rate it at least twelve and up, but that's up to you Use your best discretion. There is also a guide I can't find at the moment, I'll keep an eye out for it, PM me if you would like a link to it!

Stanza One

You're off to a nice start. We know the subject matter of the poem. I like how you say she tip toes to the edge, almost timidly. The second line is a tad bit cliched. But, I do like the idea behind the line. There might be a different phrasing or way to present the idea that is more original.

Stanza Two

This was one of my favorite stanzas. Especially the last line. I like how it ties in with the first line was well, the way she tiptoed to the edge. It makes you think of a ballerina.

'wating' should be 'waiting'.

Stanza Three

This stanza was good as well. But, you are a bit inconsistent with your punctuation. Since these are dependent clauses, they should be separated by a comma.

Stanza Four

Well, I can't say I expected that ending. The last stanza is well written. One question I had about this piece, why is she suicidal? It would be nice to see some motive behind her choice. Aside from that, nice job! Keep up the good work, and keep writing!

Hello there Panda! (I love your avatar by the way :3) Dogs here with your review today. Okey dokey, I like this piece, it's a nice idea and it flows smoothly. Although sometimes, with your rhyming, it comes across as a little forced and the piece loses some of the excellent rhythm you gave it. But we'll get there, let's dive in now shall we?

"her thoughts running astray."

I like how you open here, great descripton and good use of the word "astray." Although, I think you could do a better job finding a stronger word than "running." Look it up in a thesaurus if you're having troubles.

"would she fall or would she dance?"

Here is where you fall off the wagon with your rhyming. Dance sounds far too forced for this piece, so try to edit that out. When you force your rhyme it makes your piece sound choppy because it sounds like you're valuing the rhyme over the content of the poem. Just the risk that everyone runs with they do rhyming.

"if she will go or stay/ if she will live or wait"

Minor nit picky thing here, but just for the sake of flow, put a comma after "stay" and "wait."

Nice ending here, although you capitalized the final line although you shouldn't have capitalized "She." All and all a good piece, nice description and good flow in your writing. I enjoyed reading it, with just some polishing this piece could be excellent. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh