In a bed of darkness
my mind sleeps.
Where evil hides
and trouble creeps.
My dark desire I can not fill
but temtation's always on mind.
I fight back the thoughts looming
a ray of hope I try to find.
My heart longs for the moment
when my life hangs by a string.
When it all seems so more clear
And deaths siren call starts to sing.
The skin so thin
calls out to me
to stop the pain
to finally see.
So I get the blade
I finally give in
to take my life,
commit my final sin.
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139,331 Literary Works • 672,537 Reviews
I really like this poem. This first verse:
is my favourite. It;s a really strong way to start the poem and really pulls the reader in. I love the way how you used the idea of suicide being a 'final sin', not that there's anything hearty about suicide. But you handled the subject really effectively and manage to make the rhyme really add to the rhythm and flow of the poem too. Well doneI love this! Suicide really is a tough subject to write about - very brave.
Like everyone else, I'd suggest making sure to use the same amount of syllables, or make a pattern with them. I always like to read poems aloud, to make sure they work.
Also, I rather liked the way you repeated the word 'to' in two lines. It sounded like song lyrics. I really love this piece - my only hope is that when I write poetry, it sounds like that!
Hi! This is a job well done. It makes a change to hear doom and gloom in a poem than the usual stuff, and I like it. On the whole, this poems' got some amazing rhythm. The words just slot together in the most encapturing draw-in-of-breath style. I have, though, one BIG nitpick. The second stanza is awaful. The lines are forced, cringy, and bring the piece down. I'd say that you need to scrap that stanza and write it afresh. Other than that, a brilliant piece. Keep up the good work,
- Alia
Like the other reviews stated already, this is a tough subject.
Here are some of my critiques:
Well, if this person is thinking about something so drastic, their mind is probably not asleep, they're awake, and thinking very hard, and fully alert.
it should be "cannot" instead of "can not"
"always on my mind".........i like that better.
"seems much more clear"...........when you use "so" it sounded like bad grammar.
"and finally see"..........that way you don't repeat "to."
My favorite line of this poem was by far:
I loved the description of the skin being very thin!! Great job!
Hiya,
I liked this poem, it wasn't too cliche either..
One thing I will say though that was my only negative, make sure the poem flows well. A few parts of the poem were a bit stuttery (oh so officially language I know!)
Despite this, it was nice, you should try reading it over, and making changes where you see fit. I love the idea of the last sin being suicide, and maybe you should extend on that a little. Its a hard topic suicide, as you can sometimes cliche it, but you did well.
Keep writing,
HAYLEY
xx
This is really good! However, I think you should try and keep the length of each line consistent through each of the verses, besides that, great job!
-rainbowbubblex