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Teary and Foul

by MeherazulAzim16


    Writer's note: You can listen to the song here.


Teary and foul,
Teary and foul,
In the lights we're sorry,
In the lights we're sorry. (x2)

So deliver us
From ourselves, will you? (x3)

We are teary and foul,
There is no saving us now,
The light makes us sorry,
The light makes us sorry.

So deliver us
From ourselves, will you? (x3)


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5 Reviews


Points: 17
Reviews: 5

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Sat Jan 25, 2020 9:01 pm
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Arete wrote a review...



Ooh, I can feel the emotion. Every word is just dripping with it. But again, like with a lot of your works I've come across, it's just very short. Not that it makes it bad, I just wish there was a bit more there to latch on to.

Oh, and I had a listen of the audio version as well. Liked the guitar, it fit greatly, but one thing I didn't like. Was the voice. No offense, it just didn't seem to fit, in my opinion though. Otherwise, great track.






Thanks for the review. Yes, it did end up being kinda short. I'll see. Maybe it could even be the basis for something different or it's its own thing.



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13 Reviews


Points: 1224
Reviews: 13

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Tue Jan 21, 2020 2:39 am
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JazenKnight wrote a review...



Your Questinair
The section in which I ask a dozen or more questions. Ahahaha. I relate to these lyrics, yet do not understand why. In softer words, your lyrics certainly got me thinking, (which is good), but I must ask as a reviewer-why the repidition? Now I am aware that repidiation is sometimes key in songs but it can get annoying. Why use the word light? Why not star? Is't ''saving us from ourselves'' cliche? Just a few things to consider.
Critique
.I love the fact that your not afraid to use the word foul, however the words ''teary and foul'' don't seem to paint the right picture. Try switching foul for ''repulsive'' or ''vile'', and teary for ''regretful'' or ''shamefully'' or some other word along those lines. Yes, those words disrupt the flow, but that's what revision is for.
.After the first ''deliver us from ourselves'' answer the question of ''what is ''we're sorry for?'' We know ''we're'' is sorry, I got that. Now, I'd like to know why.

In short, this is a well written poem that I enjoyed.
Keep rockin' lyrics,
JazenKnight






Thanks for the review!



JazenKnight says...


Glad it helped.



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119 Reviews


Points: 10789
Reviews: 119

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Sun Jan 19, 2020 6:38 pm
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Clairia wrote a review...



Hi, there! I'm Clairia, here with a review!

The song was gorgeous. I loved the guitar and the soft singing; you really made me think about the lyrics and what they might mean.
My view on what you may be trying to convey with your writing, however, is a bit fuzzy. I love the lyrical aspects of this piece, and the execution of it as a song was brilliant, but I can't seem to find a very direct message from what you've written. If that was your intention, well done! If not, however, you may want to consider rethinking your concept and asking yourself these questions:

1. What story am I trying to tell? This is a good thing to consider whilst writing. It's typically important to be able to express to your readers what you're trying to say to them. Without some sort of clarification of your work, the piece can fall pretty flat and can either confuse the viewers or cause them to lose interest.
2. What should my readers know? An element of mystery can be great for a small piece like this. However, you've got to take into account that whatever you say at any time can completely sway the opinion or understanding of the reader. You need to be careful in how much or how little you reveal to them. In your case, I don't see enough that I can comprehend; you may want to go back and edit to make some details meant to embellish your concept more apparent.

In terms of technical issues, I really don't see any :). Once again, your voice works so, so well with it. You've done a really great job here in terms of stanza breaks, simplicity, and the overall flow. My only real issue is your muddied concept.

Thank you so much for sharing (please keep writing!)
Clairia






Thanks for the review!

I think with the concept, I was not so much as telling a story as trying to convey a feeling. A struggle between the faces you were. And that feeling of wanting to break away from your demons but realizing they have become.. you, or vice-versa. A fusion -- the demons' allergies become your own. Allergic to the "light" -- whatever the light may represent. At least that's what I think right now.



Clairia says...


Ah, thank you! That helps me understand a bit better.




"Honey."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi