Hey, MeheraulAzim16!
I'm going to start with specifics then move onto the poem as a whole, if that's chilling.
My friends have friends,
And it’s not me,
Grammatical problem. "My friends have friends" is an effective opening line, however the second does not flow well. The use of 'and', while it works, might not necessarily be the best choice. I like it personally, as it echoes the overall sentiment of the poem, but something about it doesn't seem completely right.
The real issue is the use of "it's". You're referring to your friends' friends, plural, in context with yourself, singular. If your friend had a best friend and it wasn't you, that would work. If your friend had a friend or a "wild one" or a "role model" and it wasn't you, that would work. In those cases, "it's" would work. You're not giving them a title, so it doesn't make sense grammar wise to follow friends with "it's". I'd suggest this: My friends have friends/and they're not me, but it doesn't fully hit the spot.
I’d like them to be happy,
I like that they are happy.
Nothing wrong with these two lines, even with the repetition of like. There is something about the use of commas as a stylistic choice, but more on this in the next two stanzas.
I live with two roaches under my bed,
I wake up several times
Checking if they are crawling over me.
This holds no bearing over the poem itself, but if they live under the bed, then why would they be crawling on top? Entirely stupid question.
Anyways, this stanza doesn't feel right. Because from here on out, these words carry weight in the message you're trying to communicate. You do paint a strong image, it's very clear. Two things about this, though. Two roaches is a tad bit scant. I think, if they were all over, they'd be all over. Fifty, hundred, tons. It is a personal choice and you really have no reason to listen to it, but it'd make the use of "all over" make more sense. Furthermore, the last two lines trip into each other flow-wise. They're supposed to be big and sharp in their own right, yet "checking" and the length of the line itself makes it feel rushed. There are ways to be more sharp and articulate that would help do this poem justice.
At night I’m not sure if I’ll wake up the next morning,
If I’ll want to,
Lest I should have a choice,
To slip away.
You use commas a lot. That's one hundred percent okay. As a reader, I have trouble trying to understand how this would sound. A deeply personal poem with the use of first person like this usually calls for it to sound like a conversation. If this was not a poem and you were saying this word for word to your therapist (because of the themes), does it sound right? Would you be tripping over your words?
This part comes off as chopped and skewed. You could change "I'll" to "I" in the second line. After multiple readings I've realized what the second half of the stanza says, and it works for the most part. But since it's crossed out, it should be an important part of the poem, right? I would recommend adding more weight to your words. Make it juicy.
Make it thick.
My friends have friends,
Oh so merry to have each other,
One trickles down the back of my head,
I’ve scared the other one away.
These "voices", or mental friends, should have been made clearer at the beginning. This is the grand reveal, but it comes out of nowhere and on first read is not entirely solid.
Moving onto the poem as a whole, this talks about loneliness and, to an extent, mental illness. Loneliness, contemplating slipping away, all that jazz. There's a lot of poetry about this topic matter. Because of that, a lot of them end up saying the same things the same way. The poetic motifs used in this work (friends have other friends, roaches, and voices) are common, and it does nothing new or distinct.
I think I have more to say about this. Nonetheless, I enjoyed reading this and writing a review. Feel free to completely ignore this if you want, completely understandable!
Thank you,
Willard.
Points: 500
Reviews: 417
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