It has a wheel for hair and
A tail between its eyes,
They click when they blink.
It has marks on its back,
Tattoos that bloom
Like fireflies in gloom.
It sleeps on a mat
As if it were a cat,
It never moves unless moved.
Tethered to a brain
Till death does them apart,
It has a lot of weight on its shoulders.
A life defined by loveless hugs.
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139,347 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Hey!! Forever here with a short review!!
I really like it. You used great imagery and descriptions throughout the poem. However, I had some confusions. Let's get to that.
I didn't really get the hair part here. What is that supposed to mean? I can't really compare the wheel of a mouse and people's hair. But did you, by any chance mean to a short extent? I don't think it's the very appropriate word here. I would suggest to replace it with something more appropriate.
What are these "eyes" things? Did you refer the left and right buttons of the mouse as the eyes? I inferred this from the fact that the tail, that is, the wire originates between the two mouse buttons. However, I can't really find much similarities between them.
Till does not really fit here. It's better to write until.
Wow, I just love the last line. You did an excellent job portraying how people hold it quite unemotionally. And yes, I also like how you said the tearing of wear or any circumstance that can lead the mouse being uselsss. The comparison between the cat and the mouse was quite good.
All in all, I hope my review was at least a bit helpful and if you have any questions regarding it, feel free to ask me.
Keep Writing!!
~Forever
thanks for the review!
I was thinking of something like a mohawk there
Yes! I thought it'd be sensible to imagine the buttons as eye lids for example.
This piece is amazing, and you can feel the emotion behind it. The only thing I recommend you do is adding a bit more from “Tethered to a brain” and on. I think adding more detail would help others feel the emotion and be able to connect with it more.
Besides that I think you did fantastic on this and remember you’re writing for yourself. What I mean by that is, if you’re happy with how this poem came out and go for it and leave it this way. Because it’s your poem and you can decide what advice is useful to you and what isn’t!
Anyways, I loved the poem and keep going, you’re an amazing writer!
This is interesting in its own way. I get a hint of emotion and thought from this piece but I'm not overly sold. When I read poetry or a chapter, I ask myself why should I care. What makes me hooked on this or have any reaction. The writing and way it's structured is good, but for me personally I can't get drawn into it
Now with that being said it's not a bad piece. This is my own feelings and thoughts. I can tell you out thought and time into this and other people will like it, it's just not for me.
I hope this review was helpful if not disregard what I said.