I'm sorry I can't talk to you right now,
I'm too happy and I only need you when I'm down,
My ceiling stopped spinning,
I sighed, "No more noises,"
And it was really noisy,
It's been that way for a couple years now,
I thought I'd suffocate without it,
But I survived,
Left wondering if I ever needed it,
A question of identity,
That's why I can't talk to you right now,
Maybe I only fall so that I need you,
What if I survive without you too?
No more noises, no more calls,
Is this freedom or is it the end of my rope?
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140,280 Literary Works • 673,071 Reviews
Hello MeherazulAzim16! I'm here to review, courtesy of the Ravenclaw team! (I realize this is a delayed review but I saw this poem only has 2 reviews so I'm here anyway)
My general impression is that this is a very deep poem about identity, and possibly about drug use? That's just my interpretation, maybe not what you intended. I like that this poem is both an easy read with clear language, but also open to interpretation by the reader. It's an interesting and unusual combination!
I have a few small things to mention about grammar/wording/flow:
The comma at the end of this line should be a period.
A couple of suggestions about this. I would suggest cutting out the initial "and", but adding an "and" before "It's been that way..."
Also, change the comma after "now" to a period.
Again, a period.
Overall, you use commas a little too liberally. You also repeat "now" at the end of three different lines, so I would suggest trying to vary that a bit to create a more engaging vocabulary. But this is a really interesting poem, which I enjoyed reading, so keep up the good work!
I hope this was helpful, if you have any question please feel free to ask!
Keep writing!
Whatchamacallit
Thanks for the review! The poem does allude to unhealthy dependence. Wondering what it would be like to not need something/someone.
Hey there!
I interpreted this poem as someone struggling with their identity/individuality. It felt like the speaker was coming to the realization that they only need support when they are down, and we see more of the conflicted thoughts towards the end (the realization that maybe the speaker doesn't need support/another person).
The commas were kind of distracting for me? I feel like there's a lot of them where they aren't necessarily needed, and it would provide for a smoother read if you went through and took some out. Otherwise it feels like everything is part of one long run-on sentence!
This second line here seems a little redundant. The speaker has already mentioned these "noises" so I feel like it might be beneficial for the reader to get more description of the room besides how it's just "really noisy".
It would have been cool to see the imagery of the room/ceiling tied into the ending of the poem. Right now the poem opens with the noisy ceiling, but going back to it later would be interesting, so the reader could see more how it all relates to each other. I also think it would be effective to describe the sounds a little more throughout the poem; emphasizing the noises the speaker hears both in the beginning and ending is important. As a reader, I'm getting messages about how the ceiling is spinning/noisy, and perhaps it might benefit the reader to get a comparison, so we are shown how quiet it is without the "noises" and "calls" and "spinning".
Overall a really interesting read! I like the concept that you have here, too! Let me know if you have any questions, and thanks for letting me review your poem (sorry if I'm a bit rusty XD)!
Thanks for the review, Neptune!
I think this is really good. I really hope this is actually hinting at a deeper meaning, I don’t quite know past the point of “I don’t really want to talk to you,” but I think this is a great little poem almost sonnet that really emphasizes emotion felt about the person the narrator doesn’t want to talk to
I think you could use a lot less commas to make it flow a whole lot better it seems that when you write a line you add a comma without really accentuating the whole line as it relates to the poem.
Try adding more periods and subtracting some of your commas.
Thanks for the review!