For a minute, it felt like I lost you forever,
Yeah, I know, here you are,
No, do not tell me not to worry,
I know it is raining
and you love to disappear,
No, I love that too,
Maybe next time
we can fade away together,
Well, because it kills me
not knowing if you are safe,
wherever you are,
No, I will stay here with you,
What are we going to do?
We can watch the night turn light blue,
Hm? Oh right, the sky will be different,
Because the weather is rainy,
What? Do not think about them,
I do not care if they call me crazy,
Do they think I am deaf?
I can hear what they are saying,
That guy just said,
'He is out of his mind,
he is seeing things, he is lost,'
Another replied,
'Mental illness? I think not,
what if he is in love with a ghost?'
'Ghost'?
Why are they acting like they cannot see you?
Why are you not saying something?
Are you alright? Headache?
Well, me too,
Right, we have been for too long out in rain,
But you know, I kind of always feel that pain,
That headache,
Do not worry, we will be fine,
Oh about them not seeing you?
I guess
It is because of your dress,
Yes, the colour of it,
Those fools!
Anyway,
As everyday,
You are looking wonderful in black.
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140,280 Literary Works • 673,071 Reviews
Hi,
I'm here (so obviously) to do what you'd asked me to do. I just write some thoughts about your poem as I read it like a poem should be.
I understand what the poem says. First thought: "It must be sad to lose a person and I can't imagine if my love too leaves me physically. I said physically because the person still in my heart and in this poem's case, the person appears in rain as something supernatural or even as something meta-human like being invincible because of the outfits the person wears. This poem hits me and gives me some provoking thought that now, I'm not with my love. I wonder if the person I love is in danger or something. I silently pray for his safeness."
The was my response. I barely had written it in the most honest way possible. It's hard to make your thought written down in words.
The thing that caught my eyes when I turned to reread it over is the first line or specifically:
Yeah, for a minute. Untuk satu minit. (That was my language for it anyway.) Umm. The thing that makes me wonder into thousands thoughts is that why a minute? In other phrase, 60 seconds. My conclusion here is that the persona was receiving some kind of message that indicated the dearest person died. For a minute, the person felt like he lost his love forever and then he started seeing something. Whether the ghost came to him comforting him or whatsoever or the persona was really crazy. I can tell that he cares so much for his love--doesn't want to accept his love has died or married another guy (another foolish thought) or she just went out from his sight and appeared again.
I love this piece.
...Just don't let them stay too long in the rain or they get sick, 'kay?
Keep writing and keep going on positive!
~Memo
Thanks a lot, Memo!
But, well, I think I'll let them stay in the rain for as long as they want, who knows how long they have left... let them be..
Hey
The poem was good and thoughtful. I was wondering if the lover is dead or so. I didn't really get it as the last word 'black' confused me. The poem is short and good and created a lot of excitement in mind. At first, i thought it was horror or suspense something like that gradually when i proceeded i thought may be the person is alive but now I'm confused. Is the person dead?
I enjoyed your poem. Please add some sophisticated words as i felt the poem was kiddish but thought provoking. Your words should be as matured as your thoughts.
keep it up and keep
Write more. Eagerly waiting for your next writing.
Well, thanks! Great to know you enjoyed the poem!
Yes, it actually is a kind a poem that's 'kiddish yet thought provoking'.
It's something that might make the readers confused, and at the end of the day, they can all freely come up with their own theories or beliefs about the person, I think I'll let them do that by not explaining the poem in my way
And again, thanks for reading!
This is Kaos here for a review!
The start of the poem feels awkward as the reader doesn't really have any context to go off of. We can already tell that it's directed to a person, and I just want to make sure you're aware of the flaws of that. Try to avoid using "you" so much in this poem, as it weakens the lines. The narration or voice of this poem does a lot of talking towards the other person that it's directed to, and I think this is made with too much focus on that.
The speaker bothers me, with how the lines are executed, and the amount of questions that are asked. It fills the whole poem, and you make no room for any sort of imagery to make its way into the poem or to help get the meaning across. It's bare-boned without any metaphors or imagery which I think negatively affects the poem.
I think that punctuation would be beneficial for this poem, and cutting down on the amount of commas would also help. My suggestion is to chop the lines up instead of just putting commas after each line and calling it done. It affects how the reader views and reads the poem. Read this aloud a few times, and hear what it sounds like. The flow in this poem needs work, as it doesn't really read smoothly.
A suggestion that also factors into the poem that would strengthen what's already done is to look up synonyms of some of the weaker words in the poem, /some/, like say you have the word "hate". A stronger way to say this or a synonym of this is "loathe" or something of the sort. If you use this in moderation, it'll boost the poem up more.
The tone of the poem feels nonchalant or like a conversation--in general what I'm trying to get across is that it seems kind of lazy with all the weak lines that aren't really needed and take up space in the poem. It's trying too hard to have a voice or style with "Those fools!" and such. I suggest writing the poem as you would without trying to put any fancy voice into it, as it blocks the sincerity of the poem.
The ending felt bittersweet or nice and worked fine, those were was my general thoughts on it. Hope this helped and have a great day.
Thanks a lot, Kaos! I'll check out those things.
Have an awesome day!
Hi MeherazulAzim16,
Gloom is definitely the most unique piece of poetry that I've read this year. I really loved the air of mystery that surrounded it, while the idea of two voices/personas within your verse having a conversation was simply spectacular. I loved it. Was it an extraordinary psychological case of an imaginary friend or did the other entity really exist as a paranormal phenomenal? I couldn't tell, and that was awesome!
However, I did notice one little nitpick.
"not knowing you are safe"
Shouldn't this be, "not knowing if you are safe"?
Keep up with the great work MeherazulAzim16!
Thanks a lot, Inspirus!
That means a lot to me! 