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The Shrine

by MeherazulAzim16

A box blue, 
Mango fragrance,
Dust on the lid, two blows too weak to faze the residents.

A talking key,
Sweet words of warning,
Orange fumes leak out of criss-cross cracks, tickling me. 

Somewhere, somebody rings a bell I've heard a hundred times before,
Thin, icy-slab beneath my feet,
The key calls me stubborn as I dance, sing and leap across the final bridge.

My feet ache, tears of joy mix with the acid in the air
As I place the box in its rightful stand,
"When will I see you again, old friend?" 

"Never," says the box and the cracks close,
Fumes form a smiley face and I gasp,
Tears in lips, an attack of sourness jolts me, keeps me on my feet. 

The bridge behind me laughs at my grief,
Like my heart, it will break, I know, when I cross it for the last time,
"Even so, you should dance," says the box. 

I oblige and I fall, into freezing water,
I didn't even hear the ice collapse; these things happen so fast,
Orange fumes curl all around my limbs, burning itself with a promise to keep me warm.

I have a fuzzy feeling in my head, I don't know if it's the cold
Or the essence of my friend,
I laugh back at the ice-rubbles drowning by my side. 

"What's so funny about all of this?"
"You died for vengeance," I reply. "I died to keep an oath."
I run out of air.

Is this a review?



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Points: 21
Reviews: 26

Mon May 29, 2023 4:41 am
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Dipro wrote a review...

It is anvocative and introspective poem that explores loss, companionship, and the passage of time. Through vivid imagery and metaphors, the author conveys the narrator's emotional journey with a blue box and a talking key. The poem beautifully captures the complexities of human emotions, creating a thought-provoking and poignant reading experience. It looks a bit rushed, and you could have chosen a better title, but otherwise it's okay.

MeherazulAzim16 says...

thank you!

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17 Reviews

Points: 465
Reviews: 17

Sun May 28, 2023 5:30 am
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sugarscherrypop wrote a review...

At first, I almost thought this was going to be satire. (It wasn't.) It was very emotional and dark, considering it is about a box. The emotions are joyous in the beginning and then inch into despair and it kept me on my toes. I especially enjoyed the lines:

"Mango Fragrance/Dust on the lid, two blows, too weak to faze the residents."
I like these two lines because of the good description.

Some constructive criticism:

• When writing a poem, the shorter the lines the better. You can always make a long stanza. Breaking up lines is also a good way for people to stay hooked on the poem. Depending on what the lines are about you can use a line to start a thought or idea and another to finish that thought or idea.

More things like:

I'd like to mention how I love how much detail there is. This is very well written and I hope you continue your work.

- Cher

MeherazulAzim16 says...

thanks for the review!

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
— Mark Twain