Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Romantic


Manic

by MeherazulAzim16


This is a manic episode,
So I'll likely never say it again,
Will you go on a date with me?

We can go to this cafe,
I'll ask them to play an Alvvays album,
We can talk about anything you want. 

Or do you like to hide?
We can hide anywhere,
Can it be me that you want to hide with?
Even if it's not,
I'll be happy knowing I gave it a chance.

This is not going to last,
My legs can only shake for so long,
Before I crumble down,
So, help me out,
Or did you leave before said the first word?

I'm afraid to open my eyes.

                                                                                                           


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
30 Reviews


Points: 62
Reviews: 30

Donate
Tue Jan 28, 2020 6:16 am
View Likes
vagrant says...



Ahaa, that was cute.
As a hopeless romantic, I can very well relate to what you wrote. I like the casual writing style. It reminds me of the first time I confessed to my crush (xp).
It was a nice, warm and sweet read, I liked it.
Keep up the good work!






Glad ya liked it!



User avatar
119 Reviews


Points: 10789
Reviews: 119

Donate
Sun Jan 26, 2020 9:55 pm
View Likes
Clairia wrote a review...



Hi, I'm here to leave you a review!

I fell in love with this instantly. It's so cute! The pressure of asking someone out on a date can lead to all sorts of conflicting emotions, and you captured so many beautifully. Wanting to please the person in question, giving suggestions, etc. The character you've created is adorable <3.

The frantic energy of this is so accurate as well. It can be so hard to actually put how you feel about someone into words, because all you want to do is make them happy, and happiness isn't a 20 page essay. It's something that comes from your heart, and I can practically see the butterflies in the character's stomach as they try their best to calm their nerves around this person that they like. That sort of reaction is so genuine and realistic, and I thought it was awesome that you wrote about it.

Or do you like to hide?
We can hide anywhere,
Can it be me that you want to hide with?

This emphasizes how much you truly just want to be with this person, which was so incredibly sweet. It seems as if you're saying that you don't care if it's a date--you just have to be around them. That's what love is, and I really thought you hit the nail right on the head.

Regarding problems technically, I didn't see much I could critique. The format is spot on, easy to follow, and there aren't any grammatical mistakes that I saw other than just on that second-to-last line:
Or did you leave before said the first word?

I'm pretty sure you just missed an "I" after "before". That's a quick fix and didn't really affect the piece at all.

I really loved this and the realism of it. It's so awesome to see you writing again!

Thanks for sharing (and keep writing!)

Clairia

This review was brought to you by @Clairia from Team Ruby Reviewers!
Happy January 2020 Review day!
Image






Appreciate the review! (Kudos to Team Ruby Reviewers by the way!!) Loved reading it! I'm also pretty much shocked I missed the "I."



User avatar
111 Reviews


Points: 9075
Reviews: 111

Donate
Sun Jan 26, 2020 6:33 am
View Likes
tgham99 wrote a review...



I'm such a sucker for romantic and dramatic poems in general, so I want to start by saying that this is one of the cuter poems I've read in a while! The idea of our speaker being nervous to ask someone out and desperately running through different ways they can spend time together makes me so happy, but don't ask me why, I can't explain it..

Another thing I want to point out is that I like the way the final line is italicized and emphasized. It really pulls the whole idea of fearing rejection and/or an odd look from the person you're asking out together. I legitimately think that we have all been in this position at one time or another, which makes this poem all the more endearing.

The speaker is adorable in his bashfulness and nervousness! I don't have any real suggestions aside from maybe italicizing/putting in quotes the line "Will you go on a date with me?" just to really emphasize the idea of asking this other person out; this is just a stylistic choice that may bring everything together but it's not necessary because you already do a good job of emphasizing with the concluding line of the poem.

Loved it through and through!! Write on <3

Image






Thanks for the appreciation!

(Kudos to the Ruby Reviewers by the way!!)



User avatar
5 Reviews


Points: 17
Reviews: 5

Donate
Sat Jan 25, 2020 8:57 pm
View Likes
Arete wrote a review...



Not the best reviewer here, but here are some of my opinions on this piece!

Overall, this is a cute poem. Giving me major feel good vibes, and I like that. My only nitpick is that it's too short! I hope you expand on this, I'd like to know if they left, or if they stayed. Of course though, that's apart of the tension... I just feel left on a cliff hanger though!
Anyways, again, I love it. Great work!






Thanks for the review!



User avatar
7 Reviews


Points: 265
Reviews: 7

Donate
Tue Jan 21, 2020 2:10 am
View Likes
highflyer wrote a review...



Okay, wow! This is super cute, like I could feel the nerves, and a hint of desperation? I could feel how the narrator is so in love with this person, I could understand clearly that the narrator was willing to do anything for the person that they love. But through the subtle desperation, there was underlying respect for the other person. Like, the narrator says how they would be happy knowing they gave it a chance, but they'll leave it at that if the answer is no, or they wish to be alone.

It just made me randomly kinda happy reading this, like it's quite a nice poem to read. I reckon this one is good for the soul. The ending was also really cool how you had that little line to the side, as if it was conveying one last emotion before it ended. Just a really good read.

Keep up the good work fam,

- Highflyer <<






Thanks for taking the time to review this!



User avatar
105 Reviews


Points: 4728
Reviews: 105

Donate
Sat Jan 18, 2020 8:54 am
View Likes
Hkumar wrote a review...



Well it was really a sweet poem you have written.I also like it that this poem was in short sentences, it made the reading a lot smoother and easier. The theme was simple but yet interesting. The way you put up questions for the person you are referring made it more interesting.I liked
it howw you ended on that last line . Good work! Keep writing!!






Glad you liked it. Thanks for the review!



User avatar
105 Reviews


Points: 2247
Reviews: 105

Donate
Sat Jan 18, 2020 2:06 am
View Likes
LZPianoGirl wrote a review...



**My Thoughts**

Hey there! LZ here with a review! I liked this poem. It was short and sweet (well, not really sweet). I especially liked the last line.

**Formatting and Grammar**

The formatting was good! I liked how you did the first two stanzas with three lines, then the next two with five! One thing I didn't care for was how the last line was on the right side. To me, it would look much neater if you just put it under the last stanza.

As for grammar, it was great! Nothing stood out to me as wrong or out of place!

**Punctuation and Capitalization**

For both these categories, they were both fantastic! Nothing was wrong or misplaced.

**Quick Review**

Formatting was fine, one thing you could consider changing! Otherwise, all fine.

[b]Keep on writing, I really liked this poem! Also, have a wonderful 2020!






Thanks and you have a wonderful year as well!




Noelle, you can lead a writer to their computer and give them coffee, but you can't make them write.
— CowLogic