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What Dreams

by MeherazulAzim16


Depth in her eyes persuades me
To keep mine open, I
Find myself surrounded by
All of her consciousness,
My consciousness surrounds hers.

Let there be souls,
Echoing through the streets,
Let the eyes be the windows
And let them be open.

My dear love,
Every mole of atoms in my vessel
Knows every mole of yours,
My dear love,
I see through you, you through me,
I believe we always have,

Even before we existed,
If we do so now,
My dear love,
The depth in your eyes persuades me,
To keep mine open.

But the walls are breaking down,
Your consciousness is uncovering me,
I'm on the edge of my sanity,
Or maybe on the center, I don't know,
Without you it doesn't matter. 

Let there be monsters,
Let them crush the windows
That don't lead up to you. 

My dear love,
I feel you less so,
The longer I live,
Each morning persuades me
To close my windows,
And eventually my eyes.

Perhaps my universe is passing
Yours by, or yours mine. 

Perhaps one of us is a lucid dream,
A glorified fantasy.

Perhaps I love you,
Your eyes, your hair, your hands,
All of you, every mole of atoms. 

If souls don't exist,
If you don't exist,
If you are gone,
If you are made of dreams or,
If you are what dreams are made of,
Then —
I'll close my eyes and I'll pray

"Let there be dreams."

Perhaps,
This is my dream,
You are my dream.


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Points: 62
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Wed Feb 19, 2020 11:34 pm
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GoatQueen says...



Wow! This poem is very deep and artistic. it provokes deep thoughts and is very well written. It gives clear images and almost made me tear up! This is a true work of art.






Thanks for the comment!



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Wed Feb 19, 2020 7:30 pm
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WinnyWriter says...



Hey, there. Nice poem here. I like the imagery you used, and the end was especially inspiring. You seemed to stick with a consistent thought pattern, which keeps the whole thing connected. Also, the way you used a capital letter to begin each line gives a sense of organization as well.

I kind of like the way you used words that aren't typically expected from a love poem. I mean, "every mole of atoms" isn't usually something you'd imagine would come out of a poem that expresses feelings for a special person. It gives this piece a unique flavor. At the same time, if you're aiming for a really romantic feel, the technical words kind of seem to detract from that. Regardless, it's a good poem.

There's one formatting issue I'd like to bring up. It's not necessarily incorrect, I just personally found it a little awkward. It's in this part:
"Perhaps my universe is passing
Yours by, or yours mine."
I understand that poetry often divides sentences and phrases in unique ways, but this spot just seemed a little awkward to me. Anyway, like I said, it's not an error, just a comment.

Well, that's all for now. Keep up the good work! :)




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Wed Feb 19, 2020 7:30 pm
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WinnyWriter wrote a review...



Hey, there. Nice poem here. I like the imagery you used, and the end was especially inspiring. You seemed to stick with a consistent thought pattern, which keeps the whole thing connected. Also, the way you used a capital letter to begin each line gives a sense of organization as well.

I kind of like the way you used words that aren't typically expected from a love poem. I mean, "every mole of atoms" isn't usually something you'd imagine would come out of a poem that expresses feelings for a special person. It gives this piece a unique flavor. At the same time, if you're aiming for a really romantic feel, the technical words kind of seem to detract from that. Regardless, it's a good poem.

There's one formatting issue I'd like to bring up. It's not necessarily incorrect, I just personally found it a little awkward. It's in this part:
"Perhaps my universe is passing
Yours by, or yours mine."
I understand that poetry often divides sentences and phrases in unique ways, but this spot just seemed a little awkward to me. Anyway, like I said, it's not an error, just a comment.

Well, that's all for now. Keep up the good work! :)






Thanks for the review, Winny!



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Wed Feb 19, 2020 12:44 pm
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MoonlightForest wrote a review...



Let me just say, first and foremost, that your poem gave me goosebumps! I really adore your message and the way you deliver it. There's something about the excess use of commas and the way you break up your stanzas that suggests a natural, inborn cadence you have in writing poetry. Good job!

In the third stanza, your lines: "I see through you, you through me, / I believe we always have," While the written syntax is effortlessly smooth and overall great, I also thought to myself that seeing "through" someone often has a negative connotation in popular literature, as in seeing through someone's charade, etc. Maybe there's a better way to convey knowing someone down to their very core?

Anyway, that's just a small nitpick I have, because I like this piece very much. Reminds me of long-lost high school love and boy, that's a great feeling to relive. Look forward to reading more of your work! :) Cheers






Thanks for the review! I get what you mean. I wanted "I see through you" to convey seeing someone in more than the literal sense. You can visit my portfolio if you want to read some of my previous works. Cheers!



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Mon Feb 17, 2020 7:03 pm
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Rin321 wrote a review...



Hello! Rin here to review this amazingly written poem (seriously, wow!)

First off, I just want to say how beautiful this is. There are so many ways to go about the topic of love, many can be blatant or basic, but this goes so beyond the basic poem of love or admiration!

Key points I noticed:

Diction:
I love the language you used in this poem. You go beyond basic adjectives and objects to describe the feeling, such as 'every mole of atoms'. The mole's reference with atoms sounds so serious are real, it really shows the tangibility of the loved one and the emotion of love and admiration itself.

Imagery:
From the beginning you use the image of eyes being opened or closed, with is kept throughout the poem whilst relating it to windows and the overall idea of dreams. Eyes open signals being awake, closed meaning dreaming, (obviously), and you keep this idea present. It can be difficult to interlace single imagery while describing and discussing during a poem, so the fact that you kept it going with repetition and the links so elegantly is a point to certainly praise!

Overall:
I cannot help but gush. I cannot find any serious grammatical errors or such, and the fact that this is a poem allows a lot of freedom that you certainly took hold of!
Amazing job, I greatly encourage you to keep writing! :)

~Rin






Glad you liked it!



Rin321 says...


:D



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Sun Feb 16, 2020 6:48 pm
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PlainandSimple wrote a review...



Hello-

What an adorable poem about love. Such a sweet thing. It would be sad to have found that perfect someone and ending up to be a dream.

The ending is really perfect, it raps it all together. Without it, your poem would have been sadder than a romantic. So really great job. You also do an amazing job of describing what she/he looks like. I can get a perfect view of what they look like. Which is hard to do.

What's also nice is how you make it like a story, and then end with something that wasn't completely expected. You're really great at writing poems, so I can hope there is more on your profile -- that I will be checking out by the way! Really fabulous job!


_ From your friend,

@PlainandSimple _






Thanks for the review, Plain!




"The rules of capitalization are so unfair to the words in the middle of a sentence."
— John Green, Paper Towns