Two days ago I fell in love.
Yesterday I was surprised to find myself staring down the pit
If I'm up here, then I cannot be down there
But it's dark at the bottom, so maybe I just can't see
Because I remember being sucked into it.
I felt the dusty air graze against my skin as I fell free
I heard the impact and the crack of my bones
And yet, my heart had never been healthier.
Today I have deduced that it was just a dream
The kind that you're conscious of but can't process
As you sink and your muscles give out
Too tired to open your eyes, so you endure.
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139,345 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Hello!
VioletFantasy here to give you a review. This is a really cool poem! I can’t believe that I didn’t click on it last week when you wrote it. At least I’m here now! Anyway, onto the review.
I love this sentence! The way I inferred it is that the pit is love since the narrator fell into it. This is a very clever metaphor!
Love does make you blind. You can’t see anything else. It just completely overwhelms you. This is another genius way to tie a well-known thing about love into your poem.
Wow, this is beautiful! When you’re in love, you don’t care about anything else around you except what you feel in your heart. I think this is my favorite part of the poem.
And love can be over just like that. *sighs*. This is a great way to end the poem though.
One thing that I would like to mention is the punctuation in the poem. I know that punctuation is optional in poems, but it sometimes helps the structure of the poem if the punctuation has a pattern. For example, some of your lines could have periods at the end, but they don’t. Then, some of them do. I would suggest either removing all of the punctuation or using it steadily throughout the poem. Of course, you can leave it as is since that is a stylistic choice.
Overall, I thought this poem was lovely! It was very thought-provoking and full of interesting imagery. I throughly enjoyed it. Keep writing!
thanks for the review and i loved reading your thoughts on it!
Dear MeherazulAzim16,
Hello! I really liked this poem, and the metaphor behind it of falling in love being a dark pit that you get sucked into. I do have a few suggestions, though you can decide what you would like to do with them.
"Yesterday I was surprised to find myself staring down the pit"
When I first read this, I was confused. When you say 'the' pit, it's normally because it's already been referenced, and/or the reader knows what pit you're talking about. I would recommend "a pit," or something along those lines.
"If I'm up here, then I cannot be down there
But it's dark at the bottom, so maybe I just can't see"
(I realize that in the poem, the above lines are italicized, but it won't let me do the same.) Most of the time, thoughts are italicized in writing, but these lines feel like they are talking to the reader, not thoughts, so I'm trying to figure out why they aren't the same as all of the other lines? I think that if you are trying to make this part different than the rest of your poem, you could change it to something like, "If I'm up here, then I cannot be down there, - I think - / But it's dark at the bottom, so maybe I just can't see."
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"I felt the dusty air graze against my skin as I fell free
I heard the impact and the crack of my bones"
If you fall down a deep pit and hit the bottom, you are going to feel more than hear the impact and your bones cracking/breaking. This part doesn't make a lot of sense because, unless you can't feel anything in the dream, (which clearly isn't true because you said earlier that you felt "the dusty air graze against my skin") then you wouldn't be focused on the sound of hitting the bottom, you would be focused on the immense pain that you would feel.
Maybe I am taking this way to literally, but as I said above, do what you wish with my review. This was a very good poem, and I loved the way you really start to feel the way that the narrator quickly looses control over their situation, but is truly okay with it.
Sincerely,
ImaginaryPoet
Thanks for the review, Imaginary!