Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
Only when there is silence
Can we finally just be,
Only when there is no violence
Can we finally be free,
~
But silence is not not peace
And war will not cease,
Because if you wish to just be
You will never truly be free,
~
Because we aim for the stars
To escape from the carnage,
Cause’ what was once ours
Is now destroyed by our garbage,
~
We claimed to have learned
But we still fall from grace,
But when we get what we earned
We shall leave not a trace,
~
For oblivion is undeniable
As we are just rust,
And the only thing that's reliable,
Is that one day
Nothing will be left but stardust.
~
I would like reviews and revisions, especially on the last stanza. It needs to be there, but it doesn't fit with the rest of the poem. Help!
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
I absolutely loved this poem! The rhythmic flow is excellent and the imagery is very vivid. I agree that the last stanza is needed so I think you should keep it there.
It's also really neat that it can be interpreted a few different ways, if not all of the following:
1) The fate of humans is to destroy the planet
2) The corruption of humans is nearly inevitable
3) If humans ceased to exist, there would be no more corruption
4) Humans need to wake up and learn from their mistakes
5) Humans are made of stardust and will eventually become stardust
Thank you for sharing!
Of course. Thanks for the kind review!
I absolutely love this! Your imagery is superb! I especially love the way you express the ideas of extinction, pollution, warfare, and the existential threats that face humanity. I don't have any criticism because i haven't written anything this good yet
Thanks for writing this! Hope to see more from you in the future!
Thank you for your review!
Ask and ye shall recieve!
First off, I love this poem. Very existential, as pondering the vastness of the universe tends to be. This conjured thoughts of heat death, our sun dying, and endless expanses of nothingness for me. Real cheerful stuff.
I think the quickest way to help the last stanza "fit" is to drop some of the conjunctions. It'll cut down on the syllables and be more in line with the style you established.
As an example, the "reliable" line could be shortened and rearranged a bit to be "Just one thing is reliable." It matches the meter more and removes some of the clutter while retaining the meaning.
The last two lines are definitely janky, which is an unfortunate note to end on. You may be able to cut out the second to last line entirely if you do some tweaking, but I understand if you want to keep it in there to slow the pace a bit before hitting the reader with that final line. Dropping conjunctions and rearranging from there could do the trick again, too. In the end, it's all up to you, but I hope my suggestions could help improve the piece.
Keep writing!
Thank you for your review! I was really stuck on that last stanza!
I'm happy to help!