The quiet tread
The soft step of a voice,
Whispers of the dead
Laugh and rejoice.
~
The sound of the moon
Leaves no secret untouched,
And the crow will croon
With a flower in clutch.
~
The bloom of a bud
Falls far from the thorn,
Where it lies in the mud
As the stars weep and mourn.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hey! Forever here for a review! This poem was amazing. It can't be called simple because I had to read it more than 10 times to get the meaning and also interpret the powerful imageries you have ised in your poem.
Sounds eerie. Is it the description of the dead people walking, talking, etc? Sounds like that. Great beginning. Makes the reader read more.
As the whole poem goes in a rhyming way, the untouched and clutch sounds obsolete. I don't really know how to fix it but maybe change 'in clutch' to clutched. See if it works. If it works, replace it. Then, the flow will go better. Other than that, beautiful imagery you have used.
I couldn't interpret what u exactly meant by the thorn and also the last line. If thorn represt the leaf axil or something like that, what is the stars' function in it? Does it represent the dead? If yes, then of course, great imagery. Still, I am not getting the connection between a flower falling and the dead crying.
Overall, it was awesome. It really had great imagery. Excellent work.
Keep it up!
~Forever
Thank you for the kind review!
You're welcome
I had to read this poem multiple times, because the imagery is just too gorgeous! The rhyme scheme was on point, and your word choice was beautiful! I loved almost every aspect of this poem!
The only thing I would change, and this just comes down to personal preference, is somehow making “untouched” and “clutch” rhyme better. Again, it’s close enough that it works perfectly well, so in the end, it’s up to you!
I have to keep this review short because I as I am doing it on my phone, so keep on writing, and have a great day!
Thank you for the kind review!
Hey hey! c: I saw this poem in the literary section and would love to leave a review for you! But first off, welcome to YWS!! ^_^ I hope you have a lovely time here, and if you ever have any questions, feel free to ask! It's awesome to have you here :)
Ooh, this is such a beautiful poem! <3 I don't think "simple" is the right word, because this isn't really simple - you have some beautiful and vivid pictures. But it has a very relaxed feel? Like a lullaby almost - so when I call your poem simple, I mean it's straightforward and easy to read and interpret. I just can't think of a word that would fit what I'm feeling xD It also feels quite dreamy, which I think fits really nicely with your title
Your poem is not full and packed with imagery and elaborate descriptions, but I think that works in your favour here. The lack of mass amounts of vibrant imagery makes the piece feel very quiet, if that makes sense? Like it feels so peaceful and still and silent -> that goes well with some of your descriptions (like "soft step" and "whispers") and also goes well with your title (being lost can sometimes be associated with quietness OR the forest could be really huge and empty, and therefore quiet)
Your rhymes are subtle and don't seem forced at all; I don't expect them, so they flow nicely without sticking out and disrupting the flow. I also like how your rhymes aren't "simple rhymes" -> like voice + rejoice is a nice pair, as well as your other two!
One of the most notable things to me in your poem is the use of alliteration, WHICH I LOVE <3 I am obsessed with alliteration haha, and I would love to point out how it worked for me :)
's' is my favourite letter, so of course I loved this haha xD in addition, "soft step" isn't a phrase I would expect to describe a voice, but it does work -> not only does it make sense literally (because your voice can go up octaves, like go up steps), but it's also a lovely and unique figurative phrase :)
Not only do I love the alliteration here, but I also love the specific use of the word "croon" -> it's a nice, strong verb to use, and it also adds more to that dreamy and lullaby feel, since I often association crooning with singing softly in a dreamy manner. So I love how cohesive your tone is :)
Just another spot of alliteration that I wanted to point out :) I love how each of your stanzas have some alliteration haha, it makes me happy xD
I think it's really interesting how you have some positive imagery, some negative imagery, and then both together! ^_^ Like you have "dead" together with "laugh" and "rejoice" which makes some cool images! I also love the idea of stars weeping, there's something super tragic about that </3
And that's all I got for you! Overall, this is a really sweet poem that has a lovely but haunting atmosphere to it. I hope these thoughts prove useful to you, and I hope to read more from you soon! c:
Thank you so much for the kind review!
Heyyo! Winter here to leave a review.
First off, welcome to the site! Now to get down to your poem...
So I tend to go through chronologically as I’m making notes. I don’t separate mine into glows and grows usually but just bunch them all together.
So already we’ve got some spookiness and vagueness going on. It definitely intrigued the reader and is a strong way to start off. I will say that two “the”s in line 3 feels a bit weird given how short the lines are— you can do with that what you will though. You could take one out or leave both, I’m really just nit-picking.
A few things to point out: firstly, I think you meant “no secret untouched” instead of “not”. “Not” would work if you said “not a secret untouched” but without an “a” in there it reads weirdly.
Since the first line leads into the second, the comma at the end of the first really isn’t necessary. In fact, it kind of threw me off and confused me for a second.
“With a flower in its clutch”— this is an interesting line. I like the imagery. It’s a bit wordy for the rhythm of the poem however. You’re trying to fit too many words into one line, and since the other lines were short, it reads as weird. I’d suggest changing it to “With a flower in clutch” or “A flower in its clutch” to make it flow a bit better.
Okay, BEAUTIFUL way to end the poem, and such powerful imagery! It really feels like a strong conclusion. I will say that the commas at the end of every line once again threw me off. Commas can be about personal preference, but in these situations, it’s cutting off the grammar and flow of the sentence and making it hard to process what’s happening.
For the first line, you might also change it to “The bloom of the bud.”
I know, I’m contradictory sometimes. It just seems like it would flow better and help it make more sense what you’re referring to.So overall notes: I love the rhyming concept and the rhythm. They work very well together and don’t feel overly cheesy even though they are relatively common. You also used rhymes that I wasn’t expecting, which made it 100% better. Being able to guess the rhyme can make a poem not feel right or feel overly cheesy, but yours wasn’t like that, so good job.
This is an abrupt ending to the review, but I don’t really have anything else much to note on. As for everyone, my PMs are open if you want to talk about writing, experiences, or just life. Stay safe, and I hope this helps! : D
~Winter
Thank you so much for the review (it's my first, so I'm VERY exited, don't mind me) I can see what you mean with the commas, and I didn't even notice the grammar mistakes. Again, thank you for critiques.
Of course! I'm so glad I could help! It's a beautiful poem, and I also did notice that it was your first to be uploaded to the site. I've been on YWS for around two years, so if you have any questions, I'm always open to helping out! (My main place of residence is the storybook realm, so I'm a bit biased, but I'd recommend checking it out sometime!)