Young Writers Society

Hi kari here with a review!

Oh just looking at the title and discrimination I thought it was going to be good and man was I not disappointed!

I love the atmosphere you've painted right from the first line; like driving at night through fog and only a little light from your car and street lights.

The settings you set for each line were perfect!


(When the world is shaded

In the black cloak of death,

And when he steals the air

Out of all people’s breath.)


This first part stood out to me especially the last bit, he, I'm assuming is the grimreaper? Oh Its just so good!

(When you sit in your house

On top of the hill,

While the sky turns dark

With the shrieks of the ill.)


The first part makes it seem like your unaware of what's going on outside -and that's how it is until we grow up and realize that its not all rainbows and butterflies-

Like the word is burning up around them!

(Until the man in black

Comes a-knocking on your door,

Until you lay on the ground

To be still forevermore.)


Oh that just gave me lil chills! But shouldn't 'on' be 'in'? I think you maid a small typo

If not it's still a really good poem and I enjoyed it.

Bye for now

Hiya! Vern here for a review ^^

This was beautifully chilling and very enjoyable to read. The story that is told in so few words shows how talented you are in conveying a story. Everything in this was well executed and I think the way it was paced also adds to it all.

I don't have much criticism but I would say perhaps replacing some of the repeats of the color black could be replaced with synonyms. Such as ebony or raven. I think implementing this will add even more description for the reader to get the setting. ( More than there already is of course ).

Though overall this was such a beautiful poem and I am looking forward to look more into your other work. Great work, keep writing and stay safe!!

-vern <3

Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

Ooh, I really enjoyed this poem! It was quite chilling, and, although short, it was really lovely little work. Your rhymes were really well executed, and the flow of the poem was gorgeous. Nice work!!

One thing I really enjoyed was your rhythm and rhyme. It sounded almost like a prophecy, or something that would be written on the inside of an old book. It had a very dark and gothic mood to it, and the rhymes really helped elevate that tone. It may have been the word forevermore, but it reminded me of the same vibes of Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven."

I think your personification of death was really interesting too. I know it's not necessarily a new thing to be done in creative works, but I liked your almost... understated personification. I loved the ambiguous "man in black" you mentioned at the end, who could either be a mourner or Death himself. It's a very compelling image, and I think it might've been one of my favorite lines in the piece!

Specifics

While the sky turns black

With the shrieks of the ill.

~

Until the man in black