As the sun rises,
And light touches earth,
Someone dies,
And someone is birthed,
*
As the sun rises,
And the birds sing,
Chaos and peace,
This new day will bring,
*
As the sun sets,
And fights are fought,
Anger and grudges,
Are soon forgot,
*
As the sun sets,
And you close your eyes,
Someone is birthed,
And someone dies.
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138,375 Literary Works • 672,110 Reviews
This poem was absolutely stunning.
The way you've put together each stanza is simple and very effective, and your choice of words is lovely. The way you've mirrored the first and final stanza is incredible, and I love how you told the story of every day through the movement of the sun.
The formatting is really lovely, and it almost looks like the movement of the sun- four figures showing its movement throughout the day.
Overall, wonderful!! Very good poem
Thank you for the kind review!
Hi there Lizzy! I was scrolling through the poetry tab and came across this poem of yours and thought I'd leave you a quick review ^^
One thing that stood out to me as I was reading through was the flow and rhyming scheme - they work super nicely together and create this lovely gentle feel to the poem that makes it a soft, enjoyable read. All the rhymes you use are very clean and crisp -> I especially like the subtle change between "fought" and "forgot"; the repetition of sounds kind of stands out to my ear (in a good way!).
Speaking of repetition, I thought you made effective use of line repetition! My rule of thumb is that if you use repetition, you want to incorporate *slight* changes in the repetition so that it develops new meaning instead of just being the same line over and over again (because that's boringgg). And you did this quite well! Changing from "as the sun rises" to "as the sun sets", for example, acts as a bit of a change of tone/imagery in the second half of the poem. I also like how the first and final stanzas kind of echo each other; flipping "Someone is birthed" with "Someone dies" is a really nice conclusion to the poem! c:
I did have a couple of small suggestions that I think would make the repetition even more effective! For one, I think it'd be great if every single stanza started slightly differently. For example:
stanza one -> "As the sun wakes,"
stanza two -> "As the sun travels,"
stanza three -> "As the sun sinks,"
stanza four -> "As the sun sleeps,"
This way, every single stanza feels like it's building something new on the previous one. You'll notice I also exchanged "rises" for "wakes" and "sets" for "sleeps" - that's because "the sun rises" and "the sun sets" are kind of cliche ideas that we've all heard and said and doesn't paint a specific image in the reader's mind. "wakes" and "sleeps", on the other hand, are a play on a familiar image and are more specific and help set an even stronger mood in the poem. Of course, you could use whatever other verbs you feel best fit the poem and the meaning you're trying to convey! Those are just some ideas, definitely play around with it as you see fit <3
One last little detail I wanted to mention before I end this review is punctuation! It seems like a very small part of a poem, I know, but it actually plays a huge role in how someone reads your poem and how the poem flows. Right now, all your lines (except for the final one) end in a comma. Maybe you've heard that that's how poetry works - but luckily for us, that's not the case! As a poet, you can play with punctuation however you like in your poems to achieve the desired effect.
For example, if I were to punctuate your first two stanzas to reflect the flow I use while reading this poem aloud, it'd look something like this:
You can see here that some of the lines don't end in punctuation at all and one ends in a dash. You are always free to use whatever other punctuation you can think of to instruct the reader on how to read the poem (for example, "...", ":", and ";"). And there's no set correct way to punctuate a poem - again, it's something you get to play around with. Some poets choose to not use punctuation at all, while others use a lot of periods to create short choppy sentences and others might make use of ellipses ("...") to create long, drawn-out pauses. If you're interested in a more in-depth look at punctuation, I'd suggest checking out this awesome article by Aley!
Overall, I thought this was a sweet little poem that acts as a very relatable reflection on the cycle of life and death. I enjoyed your rhyme scheme, and I thought your flow was very smooth! Some suggestions would be to experiment more with how you use repetition and punctuation ^^ I hope this review is useful and if you've got any questions about anything I bring up, feel free to ask <3
Keep writing,
whatcha
Thank you so much for the kind review! It was very useful! (I%u2019m not the best at punctuation
)
Hi, LizzyTyler, I'm here for a little review!
First, I really enjoyed reading this poem. I especially loved how the beginning stanza was about the sunrise and the very last was about the sunset. You seemed to reverse the order of the last two lines of the first stanza on the last two lines of the last stanza. I thought that was very creative and smart!
Although, there were many awesome lines, here's my favorite. "Anger and grudges/Are soon forgot." I just loved that. It was almost telling the reader something like "Don't go to sleep angry"!
Overall, awesome job. I loved reading your poem and I hope you keep writing!
Signed,
Pineapple
Thank you!