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I Wondered and Wondered

by Lightsong


When I first saw you, the road dividing us
was like a kilometer-long bridge. Your midnight skin
shone under the sunlight. When you smiled,
it was brighter than the afternoon star.

I wondered, why didn’t you arrive sooner?
Before your presence, the sound of car engines
and yell of nearby seller were my everyday music.
Before your presence, interaction was limited
to the ones I had with my customers.

I wondered, what kind of voice did you have?
Was it rough like a war-torn soldier,
or was it smooth like a ballad singer?
Did you speak to others like they were
your friends? Or were you like me,
seeing them as potential money givers?

Once, I crossed over the road with the excuse
of buying your good. When the purchase was done,
I struck a conversation. Words ran out of your mouth
as easy as it was a waterfall. I forgot you were a stranger.
I forgot I was a stranger to you.

I wondered what was your scent smelled like?
I wished for the counter between us to cease
so that I could lean forward and sniff your neck.
I wished for something more than friendship
so that I could explore the details of your existence.

I wondered and wondered, but I wondered
in silence. Despite your easy smile and easy chuckle,
despite the glimmer in your eyes and the melody
in your voice, I still didn’t know enough.
Blank spaces scattered on the picture of your soul.
Just like I feared to venture into the darkness,
I feared to trust my wondering with you.


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206 Reviews


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Reviews: 206

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Sun Oct 08, 2017 11:58 pm
DeerInBacPac wrote a review...



I absolutely love this! The flow is great, no bumpy words or confusing sayings. Your descriptions are excellent and add much to the poem. It makes it seem even more charming then it was before hand. It has a sense of curiosity to it, it makes us (the reader), even more interested as to what may happen next. To what may or may not be conveyed. Keep up the great work!
-Flumadiddle




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Thu Oct 05, 2017 6:34 pm
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Lumi wrote a review...



Light, lovely. You've given me another sweetest of sweets. ♥

Don't take much from this being a short review; the fact is that while these are minuscule errors on the review side, their additive nature make the piece very shoddy in total, and I want it to shine among the stars you create.

So the story I take away is that a customer has entered the shop in which you work and he's captivated your whole self. I adore this; however, because the flow isn't the greatest (due to the English not being the smoothest of yours) the imagery fumbles and the sentiment dies off rather quickly. So what you're left with is a shamble of a poem simply because the English wasn't mastered. And I hate this in particular because this is the opposite issue of mine. I can make pretty words do pretty things, but there are many times in which I can't transform the clay into the grand pottery that I'd envisioned because of a missing element of passion.

You have that passion always, but your focus on the words is lacking. And this is where I want you to spend your time with water, oil, and clay. Furthermore, I ponder if you've read the erotic poems of e.e. cummings--as your recent poetry has me thinking of that class of his material. Message me and I'll find you a PDF or some sort of copy if you like.

For finality: Your description is wonderful, your message of impossible love is heartbreaking, the elements of longing and despair over being unable to touch, hear, smell this ideal man--it's all wondrous. Just work on the core of delivery and you'll have a gorgeous poem.

All my best,
Ty




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13 Reviews


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Reviews: 13

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Thu Oct 05, 2017 6:16 pm
ashpandas wrote a review...



Good work, I like what you did hear. I can very clearly see what you are trying to show and I like that. I do on the other hand have some comments and suggestions for you.

"I wondered, why didn’t you arrive sooner?" Maybe "I wondered, why you didn't arrive sooner" Instead?

"what kind of voice did you have?" Do instead of did? I feel like it throughs off the flow of the poeam.

"Once, I crossed over the road with the excuse
of buying your good." This confused me a little honestly. He's selling something? If so what is it? also maybe goods instead of good?

"Words ran out of your mouth as easy as it was a waterfall." Maybe "Words ran out of your mouth as easy as a waterfall" instead.

"I forgot I was a stranger to you." Maybe take out to you"

"I wondered what was your scent smelled like?" maybe "I wondered what you scent smelled like" Also I don't think there's any need for a question mark.

To wrap this up I just want to say yet again good job. It flowed very well, aside from a few small minor things you could change if you wanted to, this piece was great. I hope to see more from you. Good luck.




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13 Reviews


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Thu Oct 05, 2017 6:13 pm
ashpandas says...



I really like this.




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Thu Oct 05, 2017 1:48 pm
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zaminami wrote a review...



Hello Lightsong! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = random Kara comments.

Spoiler! :
When I first saw you, the road dividing us
was like a kilometer-long bridge. Your midnight skin
shone under the sunlight. When you smiled,
it was brighter than the afternoon star. {What is an afternoon star?}

I wondered, why didn’t you arrive sooner?
Before your presence, the sound of car engines
and yell of nearby seller were my everyday music.
Before your presence, interaction was limited
to the ones I had with my customers.

I wondered, what kind of voice did you have?
Was it rough like a war-torn soldier,
or was it smooth like a ballad singer?
Did you speak to others like they were
your friends? Or were you like me,
seeing them as potential money givers? {potential money givers I'm dying}

Once, I crossed over the road with the excuse
of buying your good{s}. When the purchase was done,
I struck a conversation. Words ran out of your mouth
as easy as it was a waterfall. I forgot you were a stranger.
I forgot I was a stranger to you.

I wondered what was your scent smelled like?
I wished for the counter between us to cease
so that I could lean forward and sniff your neck.
I wished for something more than friendship
so that I could explore the details of your existence.

I wondered and wondered, but I wondered
in silence. Despite your easy smile and easy chuckle,
despite the glimmer in your eyes and the melody
in your voice, I still didn’t know enough.
Blank spaces scattered on the picture of your soul.
Just like I feared to venture into the darkness,
I feared to trust my wondering with you.


This is really good. Barely any grammatical mistakes, NO flow errors, GREAT imagery, very clear point, this is one of the most amazing poems I've seen on the site thus far I mean it's not like I've seen many but shhh. Great job!

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

Image


EDIT: Sorry about the beginning. Just noticed that. I made and use a template lol





One is not born, but rather becomes a woman.
— Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex