Young Writers Society

Hello Ley!

Sheer beauty, that was my first impression. The rhythm and silent melody of the poem is visibly striking. There is a pulse to the work. Almost I could feel a heartbeat.

I have one suggestion and it is your punctuation. You begin each stanza with a simple sentence, e.g. "I am the skin" or "I am the body." The rest of the stanza is always one sentence, each part flowing together in a written melody. I found that slightly jarring, as it should be part of the whole. I recommend tying that sentence into the rest of it.

I am the skin -

Or something along those lines. It seems to improve the flow.

Keep writing! Art grows better with practice, and what you created above is pure art.

~ PickledChrissy

Hi, Ley! It's Serrurie, here to leave a review! Let's dive in:

The Good Stuff
- A longer poem! I have wanted a longer, prose-style poem for so long, and here it is! Thank you!
- In terms of personification with the heart, you did great! The heart shows a form of stress in patterns, and I found it interesting as this concept was slowly built upon.
- The nervous system provides a lot of visuals, I feel like. I can picture the nerves creating lights through a dark tunnel. You did really great here (and made a great concept yet again).
- The lungs show a type of hiding and part of ourselves we can't always convey, and I never thought the lungs could be such a splendid example of that.
- The bones are a cherry on top and I feel like hiding the fractures is building upon the lungs nicely.
- Blood adds to building pressure and I think that the blood clots part was really clever!
- Your grammar is also *chef's kiss*
- The skin adds a unique twist to everything- throughout all of this stress and pressure building throughout the body, the skin is a thin layer of positivity by showing the past and resilience. I really like how we finally see a positive point in the poem.
- The body itself was a unique and creative way to tie this all together.

Room For Improvement
- This was a great poem, with great grammar, but I do think that your meanings behind each body part sound a bit repeated:

silently enduring the pressure

yet feeling the pressure

Blood & bones have similar meanings, but I think they could have been worded a bit uniquely. Everything else is near perfection!

Overall Opinion
- This was a great poem, and a beautiful concept! I enjoyed reading it and look forward to reading your other poems. Happy writing, and have a blessed day!

Serrurie