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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hello Ley!
Sheer beauty, that was my first impression. The rhythm and silent melody of the poem is visibly striking. There is a pulse to the work. Almost I could feel a heartbeat.
I have one suggestion and it is your punctuation. You begin each stanza with a simple sentence, e.g. "I am the skin" or "I am the body." The rest of the stanza is always one sentence, each part flowing together in a written melody. I found that slightly jarring, as it should be part of the whole. I recommend tying that sentence into the rest of it.
Or something along those lines. It seems to improve the flow.
Keep writing! Art grows better with practice, and what you created above is pure art.
~ PickledChrissy
Hi, Ley! It's Serrurie, here to leave a review! Let's dive in:
The Good Stuff
- A longer poem! I have wanted a longer, prose-style poem for so long, and here it is! Thank you!
- In terms of personification with the heart, you did great! The heart shows a form of stress in patterns, and I found it interesting as this concept was slowly built upon.
- The nervous system provides a lot of visuals, I feel like. I can picture the nerves creating lights through a dark tunnel. You did really great here (and made a great concept yet again).
- The lungs show a type of hiding and part of ourselves we can't always convey, and I never thought the lungs could be such a splendid example of that.
- The bones are a cherry on top and I feel like hiding the fractures is building upon the lungs nicely.
- Blood adds to building pressure and I think that the blood clots part was really clever!
- Your grammar is also *chef's kiss*
- The skin adds a unique twist to everything- throughout all of this stress and pressure building throughout the body, the skin is a thin layer of positivity by showing the past and resilience. I really like how we finally see a positive point in the poem.
- The body itself was a unique and creative way to tie this all together.
Room For Improvement
- This was a great poem, with great grammar, but I do think that your meanings behind each body part sound a bit repeated:
Blood & bones have similar meanings, but I think they could have been worded a bit uniquely. Everything else is near perfection!
- This was a great poem, and a beautiful concept! I enjoyed reading it and look forward to reading your other poems. Happy writing, and have a blessed day!
Serrurie