You pull at me, constantly,
I want to be with you
I want to feel happy
But, will I be happy
Will you not give up
Will you be the person I need;
The one I see and others don't
The strong one
The brave one, even in the messes
or will you be the other;
The broken one
The scared one
The person I see and am scared of too;
Which one are you now
Which one loves me
or does neither
9/11/17
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139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
hello junel! shane here for another review!
overall, i did really enjoy this poem. whether the wording, or something else, i got a sort of "pull" from it. it was almost as if your poem knew it was being read! (i'm not crazy, i swear XD)
suggestion wise, i think you should put in some punctuation. it would really pull everything together by adding a sense of pacing, which this poem needs, especially towards the end.
other than that, you are a fabulous writer, and could (and will!) go super far with your writing!
keep it up!
~shane
Thanks for the review!
Hi, Junel! Ghost here with a review.
I felt a little on edge about this poem. I was pulling a little this way, a little that way. I never really landed, but nonetheless, I still enjoyed it.
The piece definitely lets us know about what you're feeling, and sets a tone for the reader. I liked that especially about it.
I will say that the punctuation not appearing steers me away from the poem, like you're saying something but it keeps going on and on and you never hear the rest of it.
The poem never actually never ended for me.
There were a lot of things that kind of lead me off track, and I almost felt like at some points you were repeating yourself. For example, when you said:
It almost was that by repeating the word happy, you pretty much repeated the message back to me.
For the most part, though, I really liked it! You did a good job and should be proud of yourself no matter what anyone says about your work.
Happy writing!
Ghost
Thanks for the review, I do struggle with punctuation, as I am quite new to poetry. I agree that this poem doesn't really have an ending, it really is just a question towards the person I wrote it for.
Oh! That's interesting, I never interpreted it that way. Thank you for elaborating!
this was a very good poem. very relatable actually i really liked it.
Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
I think that the piece establishes the mood that it intends to establish and that it is a poem that can be read repeatedly for its enchanting quality.
That having been said, please note that I do understand poetic license and agree that poets have a right to dispense with as much punctuation as they please. However, as a reader my reaction is that my attention is drawn away from the message and focused on the many places where punctuation is usually added but which is missing.
Now, should we care about reader distraction? I think that as writers we should care. After all, we are writing to get a message across. So anything that seriously distracts or has the potential to distract should be avoided. On the other hand, there might be writers who don't really care if they distract the reader or not. That too is an option.
BTW
Not saying that every single punctuation place should be punctuated. For example, I would find the repeated question marks distracting and would make the poem look ugly on the page. What I am recommending is that some of the conventions, such as capitalization, can be observed in order to reduce the possibility of reader distraction based on no punctuation at all,
Thanks for the review. I wrote this very quickly at first so I didn't pay much attention to capitalization etc. But, that's something I definitely will be adding.