Published January 26, 2016
Chapter Fourteen: Someone Throws Pebbles
My fumbled with my steps a little. He actually found the flag! He found it! He found it! Yes! Now we can win! My mind danced victoriously. Victory was just in our grasp and Christian and I would be the ones to bring our team to the winner’s podium (even though there wasn’t one).
We picked up the speed, heading for a sea of bushes just off the shore. They had spindly twigs that reached out towards us as if wanting to give us a hug. Their leaves were minuscule and of a shade of the darkest green.
Just underneath the first bush, half submerged in the shade, was the blue scarf.
“I see it!” I shouted victoriously.
“But good luck getting it!” one of the art campers snapped.
But I just ignored her and continued running for it.
Suddenly, a sharp whistling sound pieced the air and there were a few cries of fury, then a few moments of silence.
“YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ONE AS THAT! YOU MANGY FOULS!” I heard someone scream. It took me a second to realize that it was Rowan.
What’s with the whistle and why was Rowan screaming? I pondered.
There was more silence, other than our wet shoes hitting the pebbles. Adrenaline coursed through my body, eager to finally grasp that flag.
We were almost to the bushes when Christian cried, “Veer right!”
I didn’t question his motives and assumed that he had a plan and turned right, heading back the way I came. One of my pursuers reached out a hand for me, but I somehow managed to get out of the way. I heard the clattering of pebbles and looked back. One of the two campers was chasing after me, hot on my trail, while the other was almost on Christian who had just started to run towards my direction. He was shoving those pebbles he had picked up into the folds of the scarf and was tying it up with shaky fingers so that it formed a little pouch.
“Molly! Catch!” he shouted, throwing the flag at me.
It went a little off to my left, so I moved accordingly. The flag was then almost in my reach, so I jumped into a full spin, grasped the fabric in both hands, landed, and kept on running.
I was almost out of breath by now, but I was nearing the boarder, which was enough incentive to propel me towards my side.
I looked back to tell Christian that I was almost there, but he wasn’t running. He was standing and now both of the other campers were running towards me.
I felt like I had betrayed my new friend, even though it was not my fault and he had practically sacrificed himself for the team. So I plowed on forward, my heart beating faster and faster, wanting my legs to hurry up so that I could win the game for all of us. Blood rushed in my ears. Confidence ran through me. My eyes stared hard at the fine line between the pebbles and where the grass started.
I was going to win.
But then I saw what was really going on in the campground.
Campers from the other teams rampaged through. My teammates were scrambling to catch them, but they were too quick. They used their fallen teammates as an excuse to escape the danger of the theatre campers tagging them out. It was a disaster. We in deep trouble.
But not for long. I had just cleared the pebble beach. And I was safe. And we won.
Cora, Silvia, and even Griffin saw me and I held up the blue flag victoriously as I ran towards them. However, their faces were sad and Silvia shook her head. I stopped.
“What?” I asked just as I heard all of the cheers coming from the other campers. The girl with the glasses who I had taunted earlier came out from behind the mess holding a flag.
Our flag.
My face fell and I sunk to my knees. I was so close. And Christian’s sacrifice? For nothing.
“It’s ok,” Cora said to me gently.
But it meant nothing. And it clearly didn’t mean anything to the rest of my team. Silvia was now screaming madly about rules, ganging up on people, and Link; Rowan was dancing around me while chanting something that had a novel’s worth of bad words in it; and Griffin had curled into a ball, trembling.
I just let the other camper’s chanting and Bethany declaring the winners drown me with their unrewarding noises.
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Hey, Ladybug! I don't have any suggestions plot-wise or character-wise, so I'm just going to get all nitpicky and maybe I can help a bit that way.
But like I said, there's nothing big that needs to be changed. This was a great chapter which I enjoyed reading.
We picked up the speed, heading for a heard of bushes just off the shore.
Heard should be spelt without the a, and even still you might like to replace it with a different word, maybe clump, because it sounds a bit repetitive coming after heading.
Their leaves were minuscule and of a shade of the darkest of dark green.
I get that you're saying it's a really, really dark green. But this sentence can be shortened. Maybe like this: Their leaves were minuscule and a shade of the darkest green. That still gets the point across.
I just let the other camper’s chanting and Bethany declaring the winners drown me with their unrewarding noises.
Though a great way to end the chapter, is there another phrase you could use instead of unrewarding noises? It doesn't immerse me in the situation very much.
Hello again HolographicLadybug! CHRISSY321 here with my last review for today!


Aw! They lost!
That was really sad! BUT, it is good for there to be some sadness in a story. It builds up more resistance for when something else in the future happens, and it lowers your hopes and expectations for the future. If they one, the ready could be like 'Yeah, they win everything' and expect for them to win, which can be kinda boring! This makes the reader go 'Aw man, they were so close!' but allows them to, if there is a bigger conflict, hope, but not be able to fully predict because they know that the protagonist lost before, giving them the hope that they will win the big conflict! This keeps the reader hooked!
This part really stings! They girl that she thought she outsmarted beat her! This will really sting the reader as well. We as the readers are connecting with Molly, and when she is sad or feeling pain,we feel the same way. Great job for writing this story so well that you are grabbing reader's attention! That is amazing, and I really feel as though I am ready an actually published book written by a profession, which is A.MA.ZING!
Hope you continue, I shall read more soon
Chrissy <3