Author’s Note: Inspired by something I can’t remember the name of right now.
Red Roller Skates
Those cherry red roller skates
That have glided across the flaming river
And floated up the cracked and dirty highway
To the gates of my heart
Have glided across many flaming rivers
And floated up many cracked and dirty highways.
They twirl, sway, hop, and moonwalk
To the melody inside of my soul
Never stopping to catch their breath
And never staying still long enough
To receive my loving applause.
The crowd cheers
And the music grows louder and louder
Until the speakers are just about to lose their voices.
The spotlight begins to flicker
As cups of cherry soda begin to throw themselves
Right down the shirt fronts of nasty, old men
And their tight-lipped, beehive-wearing spouses.
Those cherry red roller skates
Keep on twirling, keep on swaying,
Keep on hopping, and keep on moonwalking
Until the whole place goes dark
And the nasty, old men
With their tight-lipped and beehive-wearing spouses
Have stormed on out.
Hollywood Swingin’ plays on the jukebox inside of my heart.
“Hey! Hey! Hey! Whatcha’ got to say?”
Three loud pops in a pitch-black room.
“I remember not too long ago…”
Those cherry red roller skates…
“I went to a theatre…”
Still twirl
And sway
And hop
And moonwalk
To no melody at all,
Their tangled strings
And yellowing wheels
On the bronze hook
Upon my bedroom door,
Gathering dust and covered
In fresh, cherry red blood.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
I'm not going to pretend that I wholly understood that, but to me it seems rather like some sort of feverish memories. And taking into account the last line, perhaps her life flashing before her eyes? Anyway:
In the first sentence the whole thing seems rather jumbled. Perhaps some punctuation would make it clearer, because I think it reads too fast and some punctuation would slow it down.
In the last sentence the ideas of "gathering dust" and "fresh, cherry red blood" don't seem to match mentally. I don't know if this was on purpose, but if it was covered in blood would the dust be covered itself. It might be just me, but something seems a little off there.
In the segment,
"Still twirl
And sway
And hop
And moonwalk"
I would get rid of the "And"s, changing it to
"Still twirl,
sway,
hop,
and moonwalk",
which I think would work better.
Hope my advice helps,
Take That You Fiend!
Thanks! I had been waiting to get some more constructive criticism on this. I appreciate it!
Once again light you impressed me with you beautiful metaphors, and hair raising imagery. I fell in love with every word, every picture you had drawn for us readers. It was like walking outside in the hot night air and all of sudden cool crisp air swings by cradling you. That's how I felt, I have a feeling this may be about love (since well repetitive color was red, and red is known to symbolize love) I never witness that feeling love, but reading this gave me a pretty good idea of what it can feel like It's either slow, and you know it's coming. Or if's rapid and in a blink of an eye all of sudden love punches you right in the face (ow). But my guess could be totally wrong and out of this world. Anyway keep writing and keep improving! And of course like I always say ROCK ON!
Thanks!
I'm glad you liked it.
No problem!
This is a great poem. I love the metaphors you use to describe things. One of my favorite lines is "that float up the cracked dirty highway, to the gates of my heart." I thought that painted a picture perfectly and the way it was said was,well, poetic (which is probably good since it IS a poem). I also thought the line breaks were at the exact appropriate times. One thing I didn't really get was when, after a phrase or whatever, you repeated the last one. I assume that this was for the sake of a poetic rhythm but it just read kinda weird. Also, I thought that the poem got a little dull after a while so just keep that in mind. Over all, though, great job!
Hi! Great poem, first off. I tend to look deep into poetry and try to find my own meaning for things and if my thoughts are wrong, please just ignore them! It seems to me like you're talking about love and how it just kind of comes to you, whether it be in a clumsy way or a beautiful way. It just kind of...stumbles into your arms sometimes. But I also feel like you're saying that it can come so quickly and then end so fast, leaving you breathless.
The first line of it was a little weird. It was the part where you repeated the lines, "that have glided across the flaming river and floated up the cracked and dirty high way". That line is slightly re-written and then placed not but a second later. It just seems weird to me to read it like that. Other then that, I think it was great.
I really liked the line "and never staying long enough to receive my loving applause" because to me, the reader, since I feel like this is about love it seems as though you're saying that love comes but your lover never stays long enough to see what you really have to offer.
All in all, great job! Keep up the good work and I look forward to reading more.
Hi there. Thanks a million for this review and your constructive criticism about the first line. It does read kind of funny now that I think about it. I love what you had to say about your interpretation of this poem and am glad you liked it! You've got a follow coming!