Author's Note: A little poem about what's been happening to me lately.
Y(o)u.
You like me,
And I like you.
Never leave,
And I'll stay too.
Call me up,
To chat awhile.
Just my luck,
I'm on speed dial.
I can't wait to see you, Babe.
Fleeting hearts,
And minds enthused.
In my car,
With drinks for two.
Laughs and snuggles,
Kisses soft.
Ripened love'll,
Never rot.
Then I'll drive you home, Babe.
Holding hands,
And laughing more.
We quickly ran,
Up to the door.
Two more kisses,
Then a knock.
Hear the Mrs.
Turn the lock.
Why so quiet, Babe?
Awkward tension,
Hands on hips.
Lethal vision,
Tightened lips.
Looking at me,
Up and down.
Sighs and heavy,
Heavy frowns.
It's nice to meet you, ma'am.
No response, huh?
You look scared.
Angry Momma,
Kicks the air.
Wagging finger,
In your face.
Lust-filled dreams your,
Name disgraced.
Um, what's going on here, Babe?
Pulls you in,
With frightening force.
Alone I sit,
Upon the porch.
Girl, your phone,
Just rings and rings.
Sun just rose,
I'd better leave.
Was it something I said, Babe?
Next day back,
In class again.
You said your dad,
Hates Africans.
Sideways glances,
Gentle waves.
No more dances,
No more "Hey."s.
Why did you have to leave me? Please come back.
Don't you miss me?
Yes you do.
Heart's so empty,
I love Yu.
Fin.
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140,396 Literary Works • 673,154 Reviews
Hey there! Purple here to give you a review! I'm on my phone so this might have some typos but oh well. Let's get started.
So i'm reading this at starbucks and it might be the caffeine in my veins or the tiredness of my brain but this seems a little too simple for my taste. It has the rhythm of a nursery rhyme almost. I like how it got more complex as it progressed though. I can tell why you linked me to this because of the racial descriminating and im sorry that happened to you. Conservative parents with closed minds assume that african americans are dangerous criminals or something and i only say this because thats what my parents also view sometimes. Did you know more black people are in college than jail? Sometimes that surprises people when I tell them that and its kind of sad. I liked the italicized parts which didnt show detail but showed emotion. It was like you went out of that poetic trance and addressed the reader directly as if it was her. I just have a question and not really a nitpick. The spelling of you being yu at the end seemed a little out of place for me. I noticed the parentheses around the o in the title but how is that relevant or what are you exactly trying to say with this? Other than that I loved this. It was raw and simple and even though I usually prefer a little more content it got the point across. I think youre a very talented writer and im sorry with what youve been dealingwith lately. If you ever wanna talk about it just pm me again! I hope you have a great rest of the day
~Purple
This is a beautifully written tragic poem :'( I felt so empty the whole time I was reading it.
Keep it up!
I really like the italicized parts because I think they really stand out of your poem like Bam right at your heart.
Maybe you could improve a bit more by adding more vivid descriptions and feelings. Choose those really intense, nice words that really grab and pull the reader into your poem.
Also, just make sure bits in your poems make sense.
For example here:
"Call me up,
To chat awhile.
Just my luck,
I'm on speed dial."
Just my luck, I'm on speed dial doesn't exaaactly make sense. Or maybe it's just me
Anyways, good job, and btw I especially loved the ending "I love Yu. "
Hey there. Thanks for this review. I'm glad you like this!
I don't know why, but this just really hit me hard, maybe it's because I have an issue with racism, maybe because I have an issue with heartbreak. But nonetheless, you did a great job at describing the feelings, the acts, you just really did an amazing job. In particular, I really loved your last stanza, the way it sounds just flows so smoothly, and sadly might I add. In truth your entire poem flows smoothly, and sounds great when reading it over... and over and over.
On a side note, if you need someone to talk to, I'm just a message away.
And on another side note, happy late birthday!
Thank you so much for the bday wish! I'm glad you liked it.
As this is true. This is tragic.
But it a beautifully honest work.
Well done
*huggles*
Thanks! This has been a particularly difficult pill to swallow.