Author's Note: A day at a beach somewhere between Black and White...
Rising Tides
at the beach
there is a bright sun out today
bathing the people
with pink or burnt-red or purple
or blue-black or earth-toned
or
brown
skin
in a cool kind of hot light.
the tides are rolling back and receding;
they are shy in the face of danger saying things like
“Ice cream! Ice cream!” or “Jazz man! Jazz man!”
black tides play electronic keyboards that sound like seashells
as they rise, rise, rise
to kiss the ankles of the brown-burnt, pink-burnt, oil-burnt people
at the beach.
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Hmm interesting very interesting a lot to say about this one and yet not much at all ...
Kat here to review for Y O U
So I'll be honest , this was just kind of comical for me picturing waves playing instruments and laughing at all the sun burnt people . HAHA BURNNNNN MUHAHAHA ( I might need help ) . No sorry about that last part . But I thought this was really unique and. I like how you italicized the oxymoron with cool and hot there ^ .
So some things that weren't so cool and hot ... The fort five lines I thought you meant the sun was painting the people in the colors of pink and red and blue and black and the burnt confused me . Are you describing what the sun is doing or the variety of sun kissed skin tones in the beach that day because that was a little confusing and it seemed like you were talking about the people's actual skin towards the end . Also just after this it's slightly disrupted in the flow area by having the or by itself but I can see why you would use that for affect so just be careful .
Other than that I liked your usage of adjectives and Repetition to give this piece some flavor but the electronic keyboard and ice cream and jazz kind of threw me for a loop I was like XD what is happening right now . But it was pleasantly enjoyable .
Keep on keeping on !
~Kat
Hey greenlight! I liked the repetetion. Gives it a nice mood...more scenerio, anyway. I liked it. Final point. Sorry, I ramble.
. You keep saying "or", it makes it poetic.
hehe.
"bathing the people
with pink or burnt-red or purple
or blue-black or earth-toned
or
brown
skin"
The descriptions are original, different, honestly. " earth-toned" is a new one. But I love it. " earth-toned? Why not?