Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
Skin,
pulled and stretched by hungry fingers -
bodies tossing, threshing,
part like the waves
at Venus’s feet.
Not a deity, beyond divinity
(for the gods would surely have cast her from Olympos),
she stands on hotel carpet -
a lithe singularity, stretching
tall like that!
In a lull he asks, Who made you
and the swirling milky sky dips lower,
lips drip with moonlight as she answers,
Me.
Mortality, the ultimate liberator,
makes clear the urgency
of pleasure
and she is its humble vessel,
ecstasy with bucking hips!
In each moment she is born anew,
emerging from the sea
over and over,
fully developed and aware
that the distance between earth
and Elysium
is not too far to travel
in the blip of one mortal night.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,613 Literary Works • 672,625 Reviews
Wow
"In a lull he asks, Who made you
and the swirling milky sky dips lower,
lips drip with moonlight as she answers,
Me."
I've always been a huge fan of Greek/Roman mythology, and when I read this stanza, I felt my heart flutter, the language you use perfectly fits the imagery you are trying to convey. To be honest, Aphrodite/Venus was never my favorite goddess - she always seemed so vain and cold (In my opinion, Hera wins that trophy,) but you really make her shine. Her divinity is truly what makes her remarkable, and you encapsulated it perfectly!
Cheers.
-Minty Leaf.
Thanks so much
Hi, LUNARGIRL here with a review!
I loved your poem, I am a huge fan of greek and Roman mythology so I am just going to drive straight into it.
1. "Not a deity, beyond divinity(for the gods would surely have cast her from Olympos)" What was this supposed to be. A footnote or one of the lines in the poem? Normally in a poem you don't include words in parenthesis, especially a whole line. I think you should take away the parenthesis and include it as a regular line. Also you spelled "Olympos" wrong, it is supposed to be spelled Olympus.
2. This part was a little bit confusing. "Not a deity, beyond divinity
(for the gods would surely have cast her from Olympos),
she stands on hotel carpet -
a lithe singularity, stretching
tall like that!"
If Venus was just created in this poem, why would she be standing on a hotel carpet, and stretching for that matter?
3. My favorite part as this one, you had such great description in it. "In each moment she is born anew,
emerging from the sea
over and over,
fully developed and aware
that the distance between earth
and Elysium
is not too far to travel."
4. You also had really good punctuation in it, like at this part.
"Mortality, the ultimate liberator,
makes clear the frenzied urgency
of pleasure
and she is its humble vessel,
ecstasy with bucking hips!"
in the blip of one mortal night."
Overall: Great job, there were just a couple ruff spots that you should fix, but besides that everything i good. Can't wait to read what you write next.
Carpe diem,
LUNARGIRL
Hi, thanks so much for your feedback! As I said to RavenWillow, Olympos is the Roman spelling of Olympus. Since I was referencing the Birth of Venus iconography, I wanted to remain consistent with Roman themes (Venus instead of Aphrodite, Olympos instead of Olympus). Also, poets use parentheses all the time to express material that wouldn't normally be included in the flow of information but which the poet wants to include nonetheless. This is not uncommon or incorrect. Thanks again!