z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Dead Mall (Liminality)

by Glauke


Perception is automatic, except
when you are on a pitch black plane of cold packed sand
and the low tide can be sensed but not seen
and viscous, shuddering darkness
chokes your vision.

Hollowed out by the weight of it;
a punch to the gut.

The tide is low here too:
an escalator juts from rotting linoleum
like a cracked rib.

An atrium on the first floor,
and a network of veins and arteries
once flowed with cellophane and polyester
and echoing power ballads.

Vandals got here first
and shot out the skylights,
rained glass on someone’s
first kiss or fifth birthday party.

As the icy shards fell around them,
splintering like fractals in a dream -

They were forced, I imagine,
To consider the world between worlds
where tradition means nothing
and the only voice
you’ll hear is
your own.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
48 Reviews


Points: 303
Reviews: 48

Donate
Wed Mar 03, 2021 9:11 pm
LilPWilly says...



The visuals are fantastic as ever. The second stanza threw me off.
Good stuff tho




User avatar
311 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 311

Donate
Fri Oct 02, 2020 9:40 pm
Riverlight wrote a review...



Oof, this has been up here too long! Lemme fix that!

What I Like
I love the imagery that you used in your first stanza! It really pulled me in to read the rest of it

What I Dislike
I feel like the second line of the first stanza was a bit long, it'd probably be better if you broke it up about halfway through :P

"[E]choing power ballads" sounds a bit odd. Could you detail what you mean by that?

I think that your last stanza would be a bit better if you placed the word "ever" after "you'll"; it feels more natural that way, I think.

Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!!




User avatar
59 Reviews


Points: 17
Reviews: 59

Donate
Tue Sep 29, 2020 10:43 pm
fleuralplants wrote a review...



Hi! I really enjoyed this poem and the ideas behind it.
Here are some things I noticed:
I think that the second line of the first stanza is a little long in comparison to the others, and it breaks up the flow of the poem.
I noticed that the punctuation in this poem doesn't necessarily mean anything; it is all just kind of there, with no reason or set standard for when that form of punctuation is used. There are colons and dashes all over the place, and that is something I would personally look into and consider editing.
Other than that, I really enjoyed this poem! My favorite lines are the last three, and I love the image that they demonstrated.
Another phrase I really enjoyed was

Vandals got here first
and shot out the skylights,
rained glass on someone’s
first kiss or fifth birthday party.
To me, those things demonstrate a shattering of innocence, and I think you displayed it beautifully with the "raining glass" phrase.
Thanks for sharing your poem! I enjoyed reading it!





"Everything you can imagine is real."
— Pablo Picasso