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Homeless Hope

by GeeLyria


First poem after two years... 

"Words will set you free one day," they said,

As she was forced to draw on the ruled paper again.

And despite her rebel tears they said to her,

that education had the map to lead her straight...

to what the social system considered success.

~

She grew up to believe it and even wrote some prose 

about metaphors and hopes and utopian worlds...

She fell for the delusion of inspirational quotes;

of believing that getting lost within thoughts

would lead her to something worth living for...

~

But some words made her paranoid, 

and others made her bitter,

some made her a hypocritical dreamer;

they were just ideologies, isolated in indifference...

"there is no cure for a world that is bound to be malevolent..."

~

She learned natural sciences only offered fallacies,

When she saw all the cures were sold to a pharmacy

When phylosophy taught her, from its marginated resentful  point of view,

that when the system runs around money, solutions are absurd.

~

She suffocated in disappointment 

that was brought to her by language

and at will, she say she had forgetted her grammar 

and she said two dat, spelling didnt "madder:!-

~

"Language is power" she heard,

But she claimed that it could flay you dead. 

Cuz once u now it, u cant excape it,

to take a brake from the world that's demented.

.................................STOP!

~

But "Ideas are bulletproof," he said with aggravation,

the homeless man on the bus station.

"That gift that was given to you, called perception

may be half flawed to cause half of your indignation.

~

But the language that you say is slaying you has the power

to stroll around, setting the world on fire...

Although those ideas produced by language are tinted by your perception,

an interpretation that is influenced by a system ruled by the incredulous.

And I will tell you those words that tear you apart 

are part of the language that could mend our cracks

if we could forget about money for once,

if we would give language the second chance."


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Sun Jun 28, 2015 8:43 pm
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cleverclogs wrote a review...



Hi there, GeeLyria! cleverclogs here for a Review Day review!

I love the sentiment that your poem gives to the readers. It's awesomely powerful and also so true. I also like how you kept the concept of the power of language throughout the whole poem. It really serves to tie together the whole thing. A few suggestions:

When phylosophy taught her,


I'm assuming you mean "philosophy" here.

Formatting protip: To remove the double space between each line, press the "shift" key along with the "enter" key in the YWS publisher. If you do this, not only will your poem look neater, but it'll remove the need of those pesky "~" signs. I know this doesn't have anything to do with the poem itself, but I prefer reading poems when they're nicely formatted.

There were some other suggestions I was going to make, but then I saw that they'd already been pointed out by the previous reviewer(s).

For the poem itself, the imagery and poetic language is all there (there were some really, really nice phrases), but something is missing. Maybe it's because of the way you just flat-out tell the story. Something about just telling us "she learned this, she believed this" is bland. I'd recommend not laying things like that out to the reader. The age-old rule of "show, don't tell" still applies to poetry. While you did a nice job with imagery, you still tell us everything and don't show us a whole lot. I'm sure that you could show us that some words made this character paranoid instead of telling us. :)

I know it's been pointed out before, but the bit where the homeless man was talking was confusing. Once I figured it out, though, I loved the irony and the fact that you were now showing us a scene instead of just telling us the girl's story.

Despite my critique, I still love this poem and how it portrays the power of language. Keep up the awesome work! :)




GeeLyria says...


I absolutely agree, thank you for this very helpful review. :) And I'm glad you told me about how to make the format on YWS! xD I wil try to fix that once I get on the computer. Once again, thanks ^^



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Sun Jun 28, 2015 5:33 pm
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LordofLit101 wrote a review...



Hi, GeeLyria.

I'm LordofLit here for a review! This is a very powerful expression of what growing up to this society is really like. I got the image from it that most of what they tell you about the world is lies. It also represents that no matter where or what you are in society, someone always has more power than you.

Reported speech should be put in quotation marks, not speech marks. That was the only mistake I could find, but anyway this poem creates very powerful imagery.

I love this poem as it sums up the truth of all the lies of society, and this has persuaded me to take a look at the poetry section more often!

LordofLit101




GeeLyria says...


Thank you!



GeeLyria says...


Thank you!



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Sat Jun 27, 2015 5:11 pm
bluewaterlily wrote a review...



Hey Solvy :) First of all I want to say how psyched I am that this is your first poem in two whole years. About time already :P. S. Love the title. <3 By the way, you are my one hundredth review. :D How awesome is that? :D :D :D :D Okay, moving onto the actual review part.

First I guess nitpick is the last line of the first stanza

to what the social system considered success


I feel like this is an ambiguous statement. Success is very subjective and can mean many things. I would like to see you expand on the social system's definition of success. And by social system do you mean society, the government, and could the social system possibly include the education system because I feel like education is an issue definitely at the heart of this poem.


She fell for the delusion of inspirational quotes;

of believing that getting lost within thoughts

would lead her to something worth living for...


So I as reading this poem aloud, I noticed the of was unnecessary. Just a tiny little nitpick, but I think this statement would flow better without the of.

"there is no cure for a world that is bound to be malevolent..."

Since you put this in quotation marks, it makes me wonder if it is a quotation that someone famous said or if you said this yourself and decided to incorporate it into your poem.

.................................STOP!


Maybe it was the STOP in all capital letters or the unrelenting periods but this line was very distracting and abrupt. Maybe that was the purpose and your intention but it just totally interrupts the natural flow of your poem and distracts the reader. If you want to effectively achieve an abrupt effect the social system had on the speaker, I feel like you need to build up the lines leading to this line so it can climax and crescendo. Maybe increasing the pacing of the stanza to make it sound frenzied and frantic to match the mood of this line or maybe try a stream of consciousness effect. I hope that makes sense.

But "Ideas are bulletproof," he said with aggravation,

the homeless man on the bus station.


Okay, so when I read "he said with aggravation" I was wondering who is "he"? And though you mention it in the next line, it is awkwardly worded. I think you should just include the identity of the homeless man in the line where he is speaking. Also, on the bus station should be at the bus station. One more thing, I feel like this stanza needs a transition. One minute the reader is having "STOP" slammed at them and now we're listening to a homeless man at a bus station.

Okay onto my last critique, I think for the last few stanzas you should eliminate the ~, at least while the homeless man is speaking because I got confused and thought you forgot to close the quotation when actually you had just continued it on in three separate stanzas.

What I liked:

Despite all those nitpicks, I love this poem and the message. You have solid imagery like the "bulletproof ideas" to "rebel tears" and the power of language to "flay you dead." You have several memorable images that reinforce and empower your message, and I love that. I also really liked the role of the old man in the poem, how he is homeless but offers more wisdom than the social system. Is it only me or is that quite ironic? So thank you so much for sharing your wonderful poem with YWS, and I hope you share more with us (soon). Keep writing <3


BTW: this was my first poem review and I Rally have to cut it short because it is raining and lightning and the lights are flickering o.o

P.S. You're the best.

~bluewaterlily




GeeLyria says...


You are the best!! Thanks for your nitpicks, sis~ I agree with you, and thus I will be editing soon! <3



GeeLyria says...


You are the best!! Thanks for your nitpicks, sis~ I agree with you, and thus I will be editing soon! <3



GeeLyria says...


You are the best!! Thanks for your nitpicks, sis~ I agree with you, and thus I will be editing soon! <3





You're welcome, GeeGee. But you are the best <3 I still love this poem but I am glad it helped you, lovely. ^^



GeeLyria says...


Why does it send so many replies!! D:



GeeLyria says...


Why does it send so many replies!! D:





Because YWS can't get enough of you. Duh :P



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Sat Jun 27, 2015 11:05 am
elcuidador says...



This is too much for me to read. *likes anyway because of author*




GeeLyria says...


Lol.



GeeLyria says...


Loser.



GeeLyria says...


Loser.



elcuidador says...


nou



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Thu Jun 25, 2015 9:12 am
artybirdy says...



I'm speechless, really! This is such a beautiful and an emotional poem. It's perfect to me, and I loved it.




GeeLyria says...


Thanks, Art! :D



GeeLyria says...


Thanks, Art! :D



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Thu Jun 25, 2015 8:48 am
donizback says...



You know what!!
You are awesome! I love it.




GeeLyria says...


Thanks, doniz~ ^^




uwu
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