Young Writers Society

Hi there, Gee!

I think that you have some very interesting ideas here. I really enjoy paradoxes like seeing things you should actually hear. Paradoxes spice up a poem and make interesting connections of their own.

That being said, I think that this could use some work. It's a little wordy in places, and less is more in poetry. Also, I think that you could make these already vivid images even more vivid.
Let's take a look, shall we?

(be warned: what I have in mind for this will not follow the pattern of four line stanzas you've got here. It may be a bit more chaotic (but I digress))

in my drowsy thoughts.

And its monstrous appearance
became alluring but dull.

It became a silhouette,
and faded within the wind.

I heard a lightning...
A blue battle cry.
Delicate, but belligerent;
Quietly drowned in ambivalence.

The words it spoke
were hard to understand.

Perspectives and perception
are precious gifts.
But this life lends itself
to misunderstandings.

Hello GeeLyria. A few of my thoughts on your poem:

Firstly, the title. I understand that you are trying to create a poem about different perspectives and everything, but to put "I Saw A Thunder" seems a bit silly. The visual idea isn't silly, but putting the article "A" in there does. It doesn't help make the wordplay anymore thought-provoking, it makes it seem juvenile. Same thing with "a lightning" later on.

I saw a thunder
in my drowsy thoughts.
And its monstrous appearance
became alluring but dull.

Its pupils dilated
with fear and uncertainty.
It became a silhouette,
and faded within the wind.

I heard a lightning...
A blue battle cry.
Delicate, but belligerent;
Quietly drowned in ambivalence.

The words it spoke
were hard to understand.
It whipped the land and mourned,
"I wish you'd see my white flag".

Your ears can be blind,
your eyes can be deaf.
But don't be deceived;
reality is never a linear thought of superficiality.

Perspectives and perception
are precious gifts.
But this life lends itself
to misunderstandings.

Very interesting poem - I like it...

I love how it takes hold of each example, and then show a different perspective. I particularly liked the lightning verses: "I wish you'd see my white flag". This made me pause and think.

I found myself grappling with the rhythm a bit, trying to say it neatly - but it stayed awkward. I'm guessing this was intentional? But, anyway, I liked the uncomfortable tone it gave to the poem, and it was controlled enough for it to be easy to read.

I didn't quite get the line "reality is never a linear thought of superficiality". I thought it felt a bit clumsy, and I couldn't grasp the meaning.

"But this life lends itself
to misunderstandings."
These last few lines feel unfinished - like you have put across your point but can not not quite let it settle. I like this, though; it adds to the poem, building on the theme that you cannot rely on anything to be as you expect.

Overall, a great piece! I enjoyed reading it.

Hey ,

I'm really new to this , so if anything I say sounds stupid then oh well ..

But i really liked it , the way it's kind of darker ,like from the shadow side of the world. It has the deepness that a poem needs.