I saw you twitching in your grave.
Your movements violent,
as if you want to leave.
.
An Oak has sprouted in my neighbor's garden.
When spilled blood fades into the dirt,
it fosters seeds of vengeance.
They disperse with fear and rage.
.
Rolling down the hill from where it's perched.
This cast shadow cannot allow the seed to grow.
.
I saw you twitching from my grave.
Your actions violent,
as if you want to leave.
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141,251 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Flame here!
Very well-written. You managed to craft a beautiful story in a twelve-line poem. I also admire your style--blunt and subtle at the same time. Punctuation, grammar, and spelling are spot-on. My favorite lines:
Just two things. You jumped quite often between past tense, present tense, and past participle. Stick to one; don't confuse the reader. And...
This stanza is broken in odd places. Try making it one sentence: "An Oak has sprouted in my neighbor's garden, / for when spilled blood fades into the dirt, / it fosters seeds of vengeance / that disperse with fear and rage."
That's all I have. Keep up the good work! Can't wait to hear (or read, I guess?) more from you!
It's split like that to keep to flow and meters sound good.
Okay...I am going to be blunt about this. I do not see at all the reason for the first and last stanza. The second and third stanzas are talking about a tree, and the first and last stanzas are talking about a person. I am confused with that. Beside's that, I liked the poem over all, and i likes the the third stanza:
For me, these two lines use a lot of imagery. It is well written.
If you could clarify the reason for the first and last stanza's it would clear up the entire meaning of the poem in general.
Good job, continuing writing, and a job well done.
~From the Reviewing mind of GreenTulip.
Well it's about war. The first and last stanza are about power struggles between countries in power and the countries they have power over.
The middle two stanzas are about war from a neutral country's point of view.
Well it's about war. The first and last stanza are about power struggles between countries in power and the countries they have power over.
The middle two stanzas are about war from a neutral country's point of view.
Hey HighTop!
I like this poem. It's really interesting. I really like how you wrapped it up in the end, or turned the it around on the reader in the end. With your word choice, you showed that the person in the grave was not supposed to be there and it was the narrator who was supposed to be there. I like that twist! I especially like the second stanza; the metaphor you used was absolutely awesome! Also, I could totally see revenge as a physical thing, not just a feeling. Good job!
It's a great poem, however, you don't seem to stick with one verb tense (yes, here comes the picky grammar bits). I'm not sure if poems are supposed to have specific tense structure, but if they are supposed to, I think you should fix these parts:
I've made a correction to the following line:
"I saw you twitching in your grave/ Your movements violent/ as if you want[ed] to leave."
"This cast[ed] shadow cannot allow the seed to grow."
That's all I've got for now! Good poem and remember, it's your writing so feel free to do what you want with it!
Thank you! And thanks for pointing out my tense mistakes!