Young Writers Society

Third poems a charm! I hope you aren't annoyed I'm reviewing all your work.

A woman bedridden,
not senile.

Could you unplug them for me dear?

I am gone,
and I know it.

Hello there! Here to review your work on this fine review day! I'm by no means a poet so I can't really help you with the technical side of things. However, I thought I would come along and let you know what I think of the content.

This piece caught my eye because I have recenty just lost my Grandma this way. I love the lines;
For I see a man, and he looks kind,

and my hips no longer bump and grind,

and I wish you could have seen the sight.
As all of our family believed that she had finally been reunited with her long, lost husband who none of us ever had the chance to meet.

Even the picture we all have of both of them is of them dancing at a party in the 1940's. So you're line of;
When I finally danced into that light.
Really made me smile.

This is more of a personal one for me so I wouldn't really class it as a review. Its just a note to say that you're writing made someone smile today and think of their loved one!

Thank you!

Olive <3

Hey, I'm EmoChikXoX!

Oh my god, this is simply beautiful.. It literally took my breath away, it's so peaceful. It really did bring a tear to my eye. My personal favorite verse is the 5th, it's a gentle verse. It's in my eyes about when a loved one is walking up to heaven..

The poem gives you a feeling of.. peace, and for me it reminds me of the loved ones I have lost and in a way it puts my mind at rest of where they are and what their last thoughts were. It is a beautiful poem.. and it genuinely makes me smile.. Its just breathtaking.. And as for grammatical, punctual and spelling errors, I didn't find any so well done!

You are a fantastic poet/writer, and I want to read more of your work! keep it up!

~EmoChikXoX

This is very sweet and peaceful like Cailey said. Your words flowed nicely together and you created an image as if to say, "Don't be sad, be glad, be happy for me" (This is from a song that I just don't remember the title to). The line that in my opinion was the best was the last one. Sure, they were all goodc but that one was posutive and it just sounded pretty.

Wow. I really do love this. It's so simple and captivating and, I'm not sure what word I'm looking for here. Not sad, just, peaceful maybe?

Anyway, I had one question/comment, whatever you want to call it. Did you mean to make this sound so choppy? I know that often a writer purposely makes short lines like this to make the poem sound slightly uneven and to disrupt the flow. However, if you just made short lines to make it look more poetic or something, I would suggest combining some of the lines. It's just to me, this felt chopped up because of how many line breaks you had.

Sometimes a longer line is better, but then again, it's your poem and you may have had a reason for making the lines short.

I know I could probably find something else to comment on, but I really can't think of anything at the moment. Which is a good thing. I really liked this, I love how the narrator is so resigned to her fate, but not in a bad way. She's just, ready to go. I like it. Good job, keep writing.

This was so beautiful. And I believe that your first choice of a title suites this work more than "A letter to those I left behind," mainly because while yes, you are talking about someone who is going to die, it seems more that the narrator is speaking directly to the ones she is leaving behind, rather than this being a letter to them.

This work touched my heart. It was written beautifully, and I commend you on a job well done.

However, I must admit that one section of this confuses me. And of course, others might think that it makes perfect sense and I'm just being silly, but the passage:

.

For I see a man, and he looks kind,

and my hips no longer bump and grind,

Is very confusing to me. You go from a kind man to hips that bump and grind.


But, that really was the only thing. Perfect use of grammar and spelling, perfect for the topic. I really enjoyed this, and I hope you will write more like it in the future.

Happy writing!
HT