mountains

This gives me so much inspiration for pictures (Im a photographer). However, I had to read it twice to get it because the formatting is done weirdly. Like half of a thought is in a line and then another half. At the places you have commas, you should have started a new line. I really loved it once I figured the format out. It swells up inside of you if you have grown up near mountains. I imagined the scene as a mother smoking her "last" cigarette atop a mountain on the outskirts of a town. The ash rises into the sunset and the moment is broken by a black cough from the smoker's mouth (although I know it isn't supposed to actually be a mountain scene.)

I understand your general message here, and it has potential to be a powerful statement. However, in the first line you start off by saying "it" twice, I do not know if you intentionally did that or not. Also it is supposed to be "it's" or "it is" instead of just "it". Good point though you did not use contractions! That is important when writing seeing as contractions are frowned upon. In line four after "night sky" you continued the sentence, in my opinion it sounds a bit like a run on. Nice work though! I hope you keep writing

ok, it's not finished right? it's short but instead of simplifying it to make sense in a short poem way. It holds to many metaphors and similes and comes off a bit unorganized, try simplifying it as much as you can. It's about taking a cigarette as your sun for dawn and ponder memories stories dreams until you fall asleep ? at dawn beginning of day? please make a bit clearer
concept is good.