when i walked over the rubble
i realised that Our house had crumbled
but Our home stayed intact.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Wow, I would just write like 3 sentences, but I want to get points for a review
.
. Perhaps a capitalization of home would be more accurate? I loved how you did not capitalize the beginning of each line; it gave the poem a perfect "small poem, big effect" feeling. I loved it! You are uber talented! I need a longer list of vocabulary for 'really good.' Also i agree with MysteryMe. You could take out the first line and it would still sounds awesome, if not more powerful.
If this were just a comment, here is what I would write:
Wow. That was beautiful. Three lines, and I'm wiping my eyes.
Yeah, that would be it. Because what else is there to say? This poem is short, but the point is pressed across excellently. The capitilzation of Ours is a bit iffy, but if you could explain, that would be great
Loved it. Beautiful. Title portrays poem greatly.
Nothing to say but beautiful. Simply beautiful
.
. Oh, and I think this might be a typo, but 'realised' is spelled 'realized.'
I know a lot of people have been asking about capitalization, but I'm not going to go there. I understand the message you were trying to portray with it, and even if I hadn't, I feel that capitalization is pretty much an author's choice.
This was so simple, and short (for the short poem contest, I assume), but that's the beauty of it. I love how even without saying it, you show the distinction between the person's house (the physical building) and the person's home (the family and friends that they love).
This is just my opinion, so you don't have to listen to it, but i actually feel that the first line could be cut off entirely and the poem would be just as powerful. For example...
"i realized that Our house had crumbled
but Our home stayed intact."
But, again, it's your choice, so no pressure
Well, hope this helped! Keep writing
It's 'realised' in the UK Ireland
Oh, I didn't know that. Thanks for telling me
Yeah there's a few small differences
I am guessing that this poem was written in the sense that a home meant "family" or the strength of being as one. Like everyone said i would capatilize the start of the new lines so it has a more profound and professional look to it. But other than that i love the message that this small piece portrays. In any kind of disaster its always best to stick by one another and stay as one. Good piece and message
i actually think the non capitalization of the first lines makes it more effective
This poem is great! I realize you are trying to add emphasis is the word 'Our', but I would capitalize 'house' and 'home' in addition/instead of 'our' to show the large contrast between the two. I really like how the brevity added to the poem over all. Please keep up the great work!
-kate98
The reason 'our' is capitalized is to say 'My home is with my family and friends.' I was saying that home is when you're with people you love. If I capitalized 'house' it would draw attention to the word, where as I'm trying to say that the house is insignificant to the home itself.
Lordy I love this <3 Ahhh! I just wish there was more ;o
Hey HighTop!
I loved this poem, and it's shortness. I'm guessing you're giving a try for the November contest going on!
I am curious as to why you did not capitalize the first word in each line of your poem. I recognize that you give emphasis to the the word Our, but I don't think the value of "Our" would be depreciated in the context, with your lines capitalized.
To shorten it even further, you can take out "the rubble", or maybe get rid of some of the past tense.
Good job and keep writing!
-Sbitonti
Well the lack of capitalization is to emphasize the word 'our'. This entire poem is only one sentence. In poetry, I prefer to capitalize by sentence, not line.
The words 'the rubble', the past tense narration and the lack of capitalization are extremely important in this poem. It was written for the short-poem contest, but I didn't want to sacrifice content to reduce my wordcount.
I see that now! Good job!
A very short and sweet poem. This poem I hold rather close to my heart as the subject matter you brought up has been hammered into me since I was a child.
I found this to be the most powerful line in your poem, it is rather beautiful.All in all a lovely poem, despite its length I found it dripping with emotion. Amazing job, happy writing!
Very good short poem. It is straight to the point. I believe the same thing a house is just a building. A home is where the heart is. You can have a home and not have a house to live in. This also applies to a Church. The Church is not the building the Church is the people who feel like they belong. Just because something happens to a building does not mean there is no Church or home. What is important is finding where you belong and keeping the memories close to your heart.