On bonfire night I burn through pride like
gunpowder candles.
My past busts forth,
roots through concrete,
to say it has survived.
.
My tongue was cut before I was born.
I still feel the phantom of it on the tip of my
lips,
trying to say something almost forgotten.
I'm building it back slowly.
.
I see bonfires in my sister's eyes.
Her hair is tinged red like it remembers
those who died just so could call ourselves
half complete.
.
I try not to explode, but my foundation
is made of fire and gunpowder,
built in concrete
with the roots barely showing.
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140,236 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
Sup, yer old friend Vivian here to try and give a review.
Btw love the similes and metaphors.
I only so one mistake to point out and it is "those who dies so could call ourselves half complete". There should be a "we" between call and ourselves. So were you writing about every war or one specific war, or was it just the thought of Christopher Columbus day being twelve days away?
Yo.
Most of this imagery is on-pointe, and I appreciate the recurrence of your strong motif of fire & gunpowder. That said, your most memorable line is
but the follow-through in that stanza disappoints me extremely. It's as if you take a moment away from your lyrical piece to throw a nod into patriotic memories. That's the meaning that is closest to the surface with the comparison of red hair to the blood of those who have died for whatever reason. i.e. even if it's unintentional, the cliche nature of those nods sends the reader in that direction. Personally, I'd revisit this stanza, but I have a holdout about this advice in the possible case that your underlying theme is patriotism.
Personally, I like to read the remainder of the poem as a personal statement about volatile emotionality. It's rooted into our pasts, it can be seen in our eyes, and it's dangerous. I like that interpretation mostly because it's more relative to me.
Beyond this advice, do a few read-aloud scans and pick up where your flow could be improved. Some of your line breaks are off-putting, and can be fixed very simply.
Hope this helps,
Lumi
<3 Thanks for the great review!
That was awesome!!!!! It was so poetic (it is a poem, after all) and it aroused awesome feelings in me!!!!!!!! Was the tongue metaphorically cut or literally cut out??????????? I couldn't understand that part really well. It was beautifully written and it makes me proud to call myself an American. (though most of my mom's side is Swedish.)