I've been speaking with the aliens
on the moon. Their language
is different than mine.
Their words hit me in the gut
and remind me that my tongue
is a parody.
.
I asked them how they got there.
They told me that their bedrooms
were painted like the night sky.
The moon was their night-light
and god. But they said that the sun
shines brighter there, and they hold
out their hands like children
reaching for it; The same way that I
reach for the moon.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hello, HighTop! Scarlett here to review your poetry for you. ^^
Wow, HighTop. This is beautiful and kind of bittersweet. I like it, though. It's kind of adorable, how the aliens are wanting to the sun like you want the moon. I really like your imagery here; it's beautiful and adorable. ^^
As for nitpicks and whatnot. I don't really have any. I do have a few favourite sections. ^^
Like here;
and here;
and lastly, here;
I adore the way you've worded this, and the imagery is just beautiful. I love it. <3
And that's about all I have to say, sadly. Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scar.
Hello HighTop!
I can see that you took extra care to see what you were putting on the ends of lines. It shone through and made the poem really excellent.
Great to see you putting knowledge to good use!
I thought his was a unique poem. I love the images you use, and the simplicity of your language. I especially like your line breaks
My favorite lines were probably the last five. I just love the picture of how everyone reaches for something they can't touch or attain.
Okay on to critiques.
My number one critique would be in your second stanza. You said you asked them how they got there, but nothing in the second stanza answers that question. I want to know how they got there! Either that, or I want you to change the question so I'm not left wondering.
My next critique is a question. When you said:
Are you saying that their language is beautiful? Because that's how I read it as. Although beautiful things do hit you in the gut sometimes, I read the first part of the sentence as if they were actually hurting this person with their words, but then you say the thing about the parody, and I think that perhaps you are comparing English (poor messed-up English) to this alien tongue, and stating that English is ugly in comparison.
One tiny thing: you have a semi colon in the second-to last line, and then you capitalize right after it. I don't know if you care about being grammatically correct, but it shouldn't be capitalized if you are.
If you're up to larger changes, I wish you would go more in-depth, include some more beautiful images, and interact with these aliens some more. That's only if you're up to it though. ^_^
That's about it! This was a really lovely poem. Great job, keep writing!
~fortis
Hi, +1 here, big fan of all your poems!
So, a couple nitpicks here:
1) God should be capitalized (even if you're not religious)
2) reaching for it; The same way that I
reach for the moon.
I would suggest instead of using a semicolon in this situation, making The same way..... a separate line.
First reviewer! Yay!
I have no idea why, but this poem didn't do much for me emotion wise. I just felt...vaguely interested. If it's possible, add more emotion!
Overall rating: 7/10
+1