Bruno
Young, innocent, naïve, full of life
Doesn’t know anything out of his world
Oblivious to things like hard work and strife
Going to “out-With” made his toes curl
Explored out of the bounds of his house
Saw a boy on the other side of the fence
Talked but needed to go home for scouse
Cannot see Shmuel’s life through a different lense
Befriended Shmuel so both wouldn’t be alone
Made a plan right before he leaves back for Berlin
In the midst of chaos, Shmuel’s hand he would not let go
All that was left were boys unaware of all that had been
Out-With
No one here is happy
Happiness is outlawed
For those not in power
All the soldiers are snappy
Death was the things people saw
Nothing is clean; no one can shower
Kids lose their mommy and daddy
People’s hearts won’t be able to thaw
If only they could see the beauty of flowers
Separated
The physical barrier and place is a fence
Those on one side live in nice houses
Those on the other side live in tents
Some can wear nice blouses
Others wear smelly clothes
People are people no matter what they are
Mental barriers come from the man with the pose
The treatment of Jews is sub-par
But Christians get put on a pedestal
This leave’s children’s mouths ajar
These practices are regrettable
But it could all be stopped
With
A
Change
Of
Mind
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139,139 Literary Works • 672,415 Reviews
Hi FireEyes!! I'm here to review your work!!
First of all, I love the idea of expressing a long literary work through a short one, i.e, a novel through a poem. Amazing work at that!! Good job!! Going on with the review
LANGUAGE
The language was simple yet awesome. The structure of the poem gave it a sophisticated and oh-so-good look. Especially, the last 4 lines
It really worked well and also gave these words a lot of emphasis. A thought for every reader to ponder over!!
MESSAGE
The message was conveyed really beautifully. It gives a wholesome summary of the plot of the movie. Also the hidden spoilers(intentional or unintentional) were really creative.
For example, the way
was used was so creative. It not only defines the lack of cleanliness but also the fact that the showers were disguised gas chambers, and also the last place for both the main characters. So no one literally could shower, atleast willingly.
FLOW
I thought the rhyme was a little.... inconsistent here?!Some words didnt rhyme very well. Although the rhyming scheme was great .
For instance- Berlin- been, outlawed-saw,shower-flowers,- to name a few.
It wouldn't have been a problem if the poem was in blank verse, but when writing a rhyme, I think we should try our best that each pair rhymes. I see a lot of great ones here, but a few weak ones as well; which doesn't quite work with the poem.
Other than that, your poem is really superb!! I really loved this idea!! Keep writing 'cause you're good at it
Thanks Anne! I knew the rhyming would be off because this was an assignment and I didn't change it. My teacher expects us to rhyme (which is weird) but I'm glad I know specifically to work on!
No problem
Hi, Pix here to review these peices for you!
is a little awkward. I feel like you could just simply use the word 'parents' or something like that, but I can't quite put my finger on it.I remember having to do something like this in Creative Writing at my highschool. It was actually a super fun experience, and I hope you enjoyed writing these! This is a very sensitive subject, and I applaude you for these beautiful pieces!
So, for the first poem, I feel like this line:
There really wasn't anything else I would change in the first poem. Wonderful work!
Now, this second poem, is my favorite. It's insanely powerful. It kind of remind me of spoken word. I just keep re-reading it and re-reading it, and I can just feel the emotion and power coming off of your words. I wouldn't change an absolute thing.
Overall, you're an amazing writer! Keep it up and I can't wait to read more of your work!
-Pix
Hello, FireEyes! I'm here for a quick review.
I think it's neat that you wrote poems based on a book, I should try that sometime.
I think this part could have flowed a bit more smoothly if you replaced the word 'outlawed' with something else that rhymed better.
I love how in the second poem the last words of all the parts rhyme
I think that in the third poem you could have separated it about every three lines, to make the flow better.
I like how the words are separate, it slows down the flow, and the last word 'mind' closes off the poem quite nicely!
Overall, these poems are pretty good, I hope that I wasn't too harsh on you!
-Sincerely, Mingan
Follow your heart, and nothing can go wrong. (concerning writing)