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Rewind

by FireEyes


"Ahhhh look at all the lonely people"

I get whipped back to my 9 year-old self

I see her clutching a ukulele.

Strumming strumming.

Singing singing

~

"Where do they all come from?"

Now my whole class, filled to the brim

with little kids yelling 

and strumming the ukulele.

plucking

~

"Wearing a face a that she keeps in a jar by the door"

Now I see her

my teacher for one year.

She's smiling with tears in her eyes

I didn't know we made her

so happy

with this music lesson.

strum strum

~

"No one comes near"

I was blindly singing 

these words with no

clue how they would

affect me in the

near future.

humming

humming

~

"No one was saved"

I'm brought back

to the present.

I'm only listening

to a common song.

But we will never

be saved from

the clutches of time.

If only we

could make the clock...


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278 Reviews


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Wed Jun 23, 2021 9:57 am
silented1 wrote a review...



This is a good poem. Your quote at the beginning is so good. It was creepy, so good. Then no one comes near, follows it up, like: Nice! The third is good but doesn't totally fit the theme of them with this. I think the poem could be just those lines as they are. They're that good. No one comes near is out of tune. Other than that, awesome.

You could have 2 poems here. The first is those lines, the second the memory. They use different speakers / voices. So try to keep that in mind while growing up writing. It'll help. Practice in each of those voices if you want to write in different ways.

The way they're different voices are; Idea 1: Complete poetic thoughts. Idea 2: being the memory.

Basically, You can convert the poem into one poem by melding the poetries together. An example is: Blindly singing no one comes near. It's more efficient.

Also, your poem doesn't make much sense together. No one comes near but that's an echo of the past, and leaves the rest to inference. Which is okay but the future is undefined in this part of the poem. The total sequence of ideas makes sense for the day to day or the function of memory but not as a representation or a recipe to guide us into understanding.




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Tue Jun 22, 2021 11:05 pm
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chikara wrote a review...



Ah hey there FireEyes!

This gets me. I have a similar relationship with songs, and sometimes I feel like this as well. It's really poetic in the moment, and I'm surprised I haven't seen or written many poems with the same backstory because I imagine there's a lot of ways to make it have personality and mainly nostalgia. That's always a really powerful thing.

It's really visible in the way the song lyrics are italicized. It's a really small thing visually, but when you dissect it like this in a review, it becomes one of the main parts of the poem I find myself thinking about after reading it. It creates this scene of the moment where I hear the song playing, and I start to remember it and all of the memories I have connected, and then the rest of everything just seems to happen as moment continues on.

The language choices of "whipped" and "little kids yelling" are really casual too, which is something that also benefits the poem I believe. The narrator isn't narrating a moment that is overly poetic in aesthetic and actuality, but it's poetic in a way that everyone can feel a specific moment when thinking about the general theme. Words themselves don't really matter here, but the way they are placed together matters.

I also think I feel the same way about the section with the time being described as "near future" instead of something more far away. I typically see memories like this presented in a manner that happened in young childhood and is mentioned again later as the person grows up, which is a whole thing I don't want to get into right now. I don't really enjoy that kind of narration, but this feels a lot more different than that style.

There is one thing I want to bring up though~ I don't really enjoy the sections ending with a verb that isn't connected to something, like the ones with humming or plucking. It's easy to imagine where they are coming from, but since they are probably more there to just create an effect of actually feeling the moment, it doesn't do anything for me.

This was a really nice read!

Cheers!




FireEyes says...


Thanks chi! I would agree that the verb endings were kind of thrown in there. I literally wrote this as the song played and I was writing down things as they came to mind. Again, thanks! It was much appreciated!



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Tue Jun 22, 2021 10:32 pm
mordax wrote a review...



Hi there, Mordax here for a review!

I would be lying if I said I wasn't dragged in by Eleanor Rigby alone. I love the Beatles so much and I'm happy to see them used in a poem.

The meaning behind this poem was beautiful, and I think using this song was perfect. The Beatles are always a point of nostalgia for me, given I listened to them all the time when I was younger (my dad is a huge fan), so it felt fitting for them to be used in a poem about time.

I honestly don't have any critiques, so I will provide commentary instead. I love the little additions at the ends of the stanzas, the "humming" or "strum" or plucking". It creates this almost child-like tone that ties in well with the reminiscing while also creating this lull that almost resembles the ticking of a clock. Beautiful.

The memory stanzas are warm and bright, just how we see nostalgia, often while the slam back into the present is abrupt and harsh.

Great job!!

Mordax




FireEyes says...


Thank you!! I specifically used Eleanor Rigby because it was the first Beatles song I've ever listened too. Your review is really appreciated! <3




Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.
— Albus Dumbledore