Young Writers Society

Hi EagleFly!

Liberty500 is here to drop of a review!

This poem really humored me! My sisters enjoyed it too.

Onto the review.

1. In the beginning you wrote "I am an Egg with a cracked head." Is the word "Egg" supposed to be capitalized?

2. In the second line you wrote "With a slimy old sled," what is the sled for? you didn't mention anything about a sled in the next few sentences.

3. In the third line you wrote "wobble" then you wrote "jig". It'd sound better if you changed "jig" into "jiggle".

And, I agree very much with Danni88 and riles about changing the third line to:

"I wobble and jig until, boom!
I fall to the floor and bang my head,"

Overall, this was awesome!

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500

Hi! I saw you tag me to review this a while back and have finally got some time so here I am

Specifics

1. Why is the sled slimy? Is it because some of the yolk from the egg's head is dripping onto the sled? That would be kind of funny to picture and may add to the kind of silliness feel to this poem.

2. I think boom is the wrong word! Eggs don't make a boom when they land on the floor because they're kind of not solid enough. It tends to be more of a splat or at the best a kind of crunch as the shell breaks the impact.

Overall

Okay so I like nonsense poems and this is fun but I think you could do more with it. I want to know who is putting the egg back together - after it bumps its head does someone help it back to bed? And also, what's their story? Why do they have a sled? Were they trying to deliver the post or going for a ride down a snowy hill?

I think if you're going to add a little detail like that - and it's fun - then you should bring more of the story in. You should tell us the egg's adventures - what their hopes and dreams are and show us how they intend to pursue them even though they are only a poor, fragile egg who should really have much safer aspirations like staying at home with a good book.

Thanks for the fun read and I hope this may give you a few ideas for this poem or future eggsperiments!

~Heather

Hey there! D here to review this poem!

As @riles said, I think it would be really good if line 3 was written as

I wobble and jig until boom!
I fall to the floor and bang my head,

Hey EagleFly!

I love humour in all its forms . I am one of those who wishes there were many more humourous poems in the world than sad lovey-dovey ones!

The main way to judge such a poem should be whether it made people smile or laugh and this simple poem managed to make me smile (which is a very tough job to do intentionally, believe me).

As such, I have no critiques, just how I would have written it differently, so feel free to discard any and all words that follow.

1. The title - I like the straight up in-your-face title that has "funny" in it; this establishes it as self-aware deadpan poetry (and humour) in my opinion.

2. Rhyme scheme - the first three lines have the same end sound, and it would have helped to maintain the flow if there had been more rhyming in the poem, like this modification

"I am an Egg with a cracked head,

With a slimy old sled,

I wobble and jig until boom I fall to the floor and bang my head,

I sleep from morning till noon,

I wake up to see my head is cracked open by a spoon

I then lie there but soon ..."

this is just a suggestion, rhyming often helps to make the joke better in my experience

3.This part is mostly flawless

"As my oozy insides spread all over the place like water,

I do not know what to do with myself,

For my brain is being joggled and jiggled,

But I will soon be back together again,"

but you could remove " back" or "together" and the last sentence would still make sense. the joggled and jiggled ar fine because of alliteration and maintaining similar line size. The first of these lines could be "As my oozy insides spread/flowed all over the place" because egg yolk is visibly more viscous than water.

4. Talking about the overall narrative, I feel like this egg is first cracked open and then it's head is all over the floor (i.e. the frying pan), about to be turned into an omelette or similar dish ("But I will soon be back together again,"), which is a smart way to look at a mundane task, from the egg's perspective. Do let me know if I interpreted it wrongly.

I should end this here, because there's not much to add. A good, short read.

Keep writing funny stuff because not a lot of people do!

Hi @Tsunami here. I really liked this poem. It made me laugh. I hope you come out with more funny poems like this one.

I liked the way you you describe the egg, and it's insides. It almost made me fall off my chair. So keep up the good work and never stop writing.

Love @Tsunami.

Hi EagleFly!

I wanted to start off by saying that I absolutely loved your poem! It’s not too often I read humorous poetry so I really enjoyed this.

Some lines I particularly enjoyed were:

“As my oozy insides spread all over the place like water”
“I am an Egg with a cracked head,
With a slimy old sled”

Those were some great lines! I have a few small critiques and thoughts I’d like to share.

On the line,
“I wobble and jiggle until boom I fall to the floor and bang my head.”
I think it would be a good idea to add some punctuation or a line break. Perhaps, you could praise it like this-
‘I wobble and jiggle until boom!
I fall to the floor and bang my head’
It would just add a little more emphasis on boom to enhance the story.

The other thing I would like to mention is kind of a broad, context idea. In the beginning, you mention a sled but then that doesn’t really come up again explicitly in the poem. I was a little confused there, so you could consider thinking about that if you wish.

Again, I really had a great time reading your poem. I think you could have a real future wiring children’s books, and I mean tbat in the highest compliment. I hope you’re having a great day, and keep writing!

I really liked reading this! It made my day.

I like the way you described the egg, and how it’s falls out of bed and cracks it’s head open, and I loved how you used all sorts of amazing metaphors. They were brilliant.

I think this poem will make everyone’s day better. Keep writing!