Why You?

Hey Demora!

So, you said I can re-review and here I am. It's still as good as it was when I first looked it over. The problem is the formattign still. Even though I know this poem is amazing I still feel like you should made the stanzas a bit longer as well.

You have an even number (12) stanza's currently. My suggestion would be to combine two by two, just to make them a bit longer. Also I think it would work well that way in terms of reading the poetry.

I understand you wanting to remove all the commas as there were many of them, but I would suggest you leaving some of the commas there. Or adding periods instead. For a dramitc effect it would be better to leave the period out on only one or two of the lines.

I surely do not think that this was just a decent attempt, I think it was amazing. But I still think the formatting is a bit off. Can we talk more about it? You can PM me through messages. Or maybe I'll contact you.

A decent attempt.
This one seems to come from one of your personal experiences so the emotion is correctly woven.
A little correction needs to be made with the line, "I'm sinking father away", the word 'father' should be replaced by 'farther'.

Now, coming back to the scheme that you have followed in the poem. The stanzas are way too short so that somewhere makes the poem deliver a little less impact.

Choose your words wisely and you can do a better job with it because you do not lack in idea at all. You just need to organize them in a way that makes the poem look more presentable cause as it's very correctly said, "first impression is the last impression".

Cheers!
Keep writing.

wow. just wow. this is amazing! my god, i'm speachless...
i get a real sense of emotions, it's fantastic. it sends me shivers (in a good way) i'm not sure about how the poem is set out tho i think there should longer stanza's if i was to give some critizism.. but that aside i'm loving the words that you have use they add more emotion to this poem. i also get a real sense of loss, it's vey powerful.. maybe this has happend to u? anyway i love the poem, and you need to keep writing because i belive u have an amazing talent! keep it up and keep posting!

Wow.

I am speechless.

That was beautiful.

But, that said the formating kind of threw me off a bit. And I think that periods help the flow of a poem. I think it's improtant to remember the reader when organizing the poems. I know sometimes flow is good, but it's even better to have the flow directed specifically to the way you want it.

So here are some tips/edits/suggestions from me:

Why you? why not,

me?
You never deserved this,
You would've been fine,
You would've kept going
Just for me and you.

I can't do that
Not without you,
Here by my side.
To help me when I fall,
To show me how to be strong,
There is a void in me,
Where you had once been.

It's all my fault,
I should've been there,
I should've died in your place.

But I can't turn back time,
Come back to me please,
I need you now more than ever.

I'm sinking father away,
I'm losing myself
Won't you come back?

Won't you rescue me from myself?
Please come back to me,
Before I fall into the void



The last line doesn't need a period if you want to add a dramatic effect. But I would suggest a period.

Again. This is so beautiful it made me almost want to cry, it seems like it should be a song. Or at least spoken.

It's just so special and you should know that you were loved by this person and you obviously loved this person. It would be great to dedicate this to them. It's so great. I am super impressed, because as someone who loves and writes poetry, I take this as top notch.

please forgive the one line out there and the way it is spaced it was suppose to be couplets but I can't get it too work

I do hope you can get the formating fixed as it does take away from the beauty of the poem. I will do the review now lol.

What I liked:

1. The emotion. I feel so sorry for the loss. I can literally feel the pain and questioning that you seem to have. Many people who go through loss have that feeling of "Why couldn't it have been me?". This doesn't make it any easier but I hope you know you aren't alone.

2. The overall idea. This feeling of loss is something that is beyond important to get out on paper. Each person goes through grieving differently and the way you describe one of the processes here is very, well, real. I love the idea of being lost and and feeling alone, it really is seen in all parts of the piece.

What I didn't like:

1. The format. Obviously. I understand that sometimes it doesn't work the way you want it to but try editing it one more time because this poem deserves to be reivewed and seeing how it formated may turn people away.

2. The flow. Although it may have a tad bit to do with formating when I read it, the poem seemed choppy.

Overall:

If this is real I am sorry for your loss. If it is just something you were feeling or reading about I would never know because the feeling is so strong. I loved this piece despite it's formating issues. Great job and keep writing!

Hello Demora! PumpkinCat here with a review of "Why You?" First of all I can tell you feel really strongly about this and you must understand how it is to lose someone. It really is thought-provoking and it made me think a little. I was a bit confused though when I read it at first because it's not in Stanzas! Stanzas really help they give us room to breathe and take in what we just read. The only other thing I noticed that was wrong was maybe the word you spelled losing in your description! Good Work Keep Writing! 6/10! ~PC

Dearly sorry 'bout the way it's formatted the thing wouldn't work for me so now it looks bad and not how I want I to look.

That was beautiful. It must have been a strong relationship for the narrator to want to die in their place. I really like how you had the void that was inside of the narrator be the void that the narrator is falling into. The punctuation need some work, and some better word choice could have been there. Also, it shouldn't have been connected to the rest of the sentence when it was on the other side. That way it would be the deepest part, almost as a side note. It had a very strong feel to it and a powerful idea. Keep writing!!!