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139,585 Literary Works • 672,611 Reviews
Hi Demora!
I think you've used some lovely imagery in this poem. You say it's based on an avatar, so I think you've done a pretty good job with talking about just one little thing. Remember that you can also add your own twist to it too. (Can I see this avatar?) I also liked the repetition of 'Golden eyes', this was really effective. I also thought that the fact it was only repeated twice was really good! Sometimes when people repeat things in poems, they repeat it too much that it almost become tedious, but this was a very good mix!
As for improvements, I don't really like the rhyming. Remember, that rhyming isn't really necessary here. A lot of people are against rhyming in poetry, I am not one of those people, however here I must say it's really not needed! Especially the rhyming here seems slightly forced, and makes the poem seem more childish than it actually is, and you don't want that!
Also, I'd like to see more imagery. What you've got so far is really good, but I want to see some more interesting language being used. You could even make is slightly longer to make space for this. If you're not too confident with your vocabulary (like me), it might me worth taking a look in a thesaurus. I used to have a complete hate for the things, but they can actually be really helpful.
Overall, this was really cool. I think that you've got a unique idea, but perhaps adding some more descriptive language to it would benefit it. I hope this review helped! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or if you'd like anything else to be reviewed.
Keep Writing!
-Arc x
Hi Demora, Sparkle here to review!
Firstly, I really like this piece. The rhymes are effortless and smooth. The first two lines provide a good hook for the reader. They draw me into the poem and make me want to read more.
On a separate note, there isn't much more to read. I wish you had made this a bit longer. I love your style of writing but I didn't have much of a chance to appreciate it in this poem because it was so short.
Something you might want to try is combining your first and second stanzas and your third and fourth stanzas into two four-line stanzas. You could then add an extra two lines to your last stanza and then add four-line stanzas to make your poem a bit meatier.
But that is just one option. This is a good poem already, so you may just want to leave it as it is.
Good job, keep writing!
Hello Demora!
I'm hanorah and I'll be reviewing your poem today!
This poem was great, it rhymes throughout, the flow was good, it was capitalised perfectly and it was split into six-two line stanzas, Nice work!
My only constructive critism is that you should use some punctuation!
Other than that it was great,Good job!
~keep writing!
Hello Demora. Jordin here with a review for yah. I hope it helps.
this did not make sense also you need to tick these together it may make it look smaller but it will make it better I think.Well need a lot more punctuation and yes I would love it if you did not say it is a special kind of poem that has no punctuation in it because if it is then I hate them I have run into dozens of m'.
And maybe if you turned it from gold to black in the eyes thing also Death does not even have eyes.
And if you do I would change the name to the Eyes of death or something like that.
Anyways in an over view this was good you had a nice way of putting it and it was well written your grammar was good but what would make it better is to put some punctuation into it just to make it better.
Loved it keep it up. Keep writing cuz you will always gain from practice but if you don't you wont gain anything besides not having anything to post.
May god be with your wherever you go.
~Jon~
Wooftie. This is a scary little poem, haha. It is very interesting, yet quite dark. I found it a great piece of work. I just suggest one little thing.
Punctuation. I know that is a cheesy little thing but it does make a poem look much more professional. People will love it even more.
Wonderful job, I definitely look forward to reading more of your things!
The Little Storm Writer, GG
I enjoyed Reading this, it has very ominous feel about it which is awesome. For some reason i kept imagining a group of young children saying this, real spooky ha.
It has a very fresh feel to how you have written it and it can be hard trying to rhyme every line with the next but you have done it really well. I don't have much to say accept i really enjoyed it!!!
I cant wait to read more of your stuff
Spelling comments:
till in the second stanza should read 'til
there in the fourth stanza should read their
Content comments:
The language used was very powerful and illicits emotion. I did however feel it could be a bit longer, especially since I was unclear as to what you were writing about. I hope this was helpful. Write on!