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with respect to distant stars

by Daisuki


There are people who manufacture meteor showers.
Bone-shattering, violent thingsĀ 
that make sirens wail like a baby evicted from the womb.
And you were my baby, until the comets stole away that
sidereal light that used to fill your eyes.
Now can you guess what my eyes are filled with? as
I am drowning in this grief and in these clothes
the color of a starless night.

The man on the radio said this date would live in infamy
but why should it live, my dear, when you are dead?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I haven't written anything in a long time. This was an English assignment to write a poem about Pearl Harbor.


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489 Reviews


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Fri May 01, 2015 4:57 pm
Dreamwalker wrote a review...



Heavy tragedies always concern me when being the topic of poetry, because poetry can spin even the smallest sorts of feelings into something thats wide and vast and beautiful. When you have something this large and this spanning, it's difficult to articulate it in a way that translates out in the same manner. Sometimes making it subtle is the only way of appreciating it.

Even with that being said, I am absolutely in love with the first line of this poem. The concept of man made meteor showers is such a stoic, violent kind of imagery. It speaks volumes which is exactly what you needed it to do, and I appreciate that attention to detail and that ability to spot a comparison of that extent.

This poem does shake, but I think poems about tragedy have to shake. They have to be a little messy, a little harsh, cause clean poetry would make this feel gimmicky. It'd feel like you're playing on something in hopes of inspiring something in someone not by what you're writing but by the circumstances you're writing about. It's a very fine line and I'm not sure if there is a way to write clean, undiluted stanzas that sort of put that feeling across.

Some of the imagery I felt was a little heavy handed. The baby imagery, for instance, sets a very different colour than the vivid blues and blacks and yellows of a meteor shower. It feels too close, too inward when you're looking the very sky falling. Plus, I found the following line where you discuss the person said poem is written for uncomfortable after plying the term baby with siren screams.

The only other bit I wasn't quite feeling was that last couplet. It such a cliched old term followed up by a sort of cliched old thought process. I'm not sure it really benefitted this poem.

You've definitely gotten better since the last time I reviewed your work. I'm impressed.

Much love, as always,
~ Walker




Daisuki says...


(My last reply seems to have gone missing, so I'll try to rewrite it as much as I remember.)
Thank you so very much, Dreamwalker. I've always admired your poetry and I really appreciate you taking the time to think about and comment on my writing, it means a lot. Your reviews are so thoughtful and beautiful themselves. I think about what you said about tragedy and heavy handedness and I'll try to keep that in mind - sometimes try to keep the colors of the poem relating to each other. Again, many many thanks to you.



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Sun Jan 25, 2015 10:30 pm
Dracula wrote a review...



Hello and Happy Review Day! I was looking for poems in the Historical Fiction category, and this was the only one there! So I'm going to review it, even though I'm not sure what to write. I honestly cannot find a single thing wrong with your amazing poem. The first line is an awesome metaphor, I assume the meteor shower stands for bullets or bombs? The sirens part was clever as well, saying they wail like a baby. The last two lines were really touching, we fantasize about wars, we make movies about them, but real humans are left suffering. You've done some excellent writing, well done Daisuki!




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Fri Jan 09, 2015 5:53 pm
godlypopo wrote a review...



Hello Daisuki, I'm here for a review :D

The way you start this off is very empowering. You do well in grabbing and then reeling the reader in as they explore you're views on the story. I like how you take something that many would describe as beautiful and turn it into something that strikes the reader as terrible. You use interesting, yet powerful, descriptions that make the whole poem that more interesting. Out of all of them, I would have to pick: Bone-shattering, violent things. This stabs into my core as you sharply say your thoughts on them. By using violent, you contradict the idea of shooting stars bringing wishes-taking something peaceful and flipping it completely around. A close second would have to be: I am drowning in this grief. The reader can clearly picture the idea of the unfortunate victims tears swallowing you up whole. These descriptions are what really enhance the feelings of this poem and it's story.

What I don't get is that you say: people who manufacture meteor showers. What do you mean by people making meteor showers? Unless... this could all be a metaphor. What if you are talking about abusive people or other horrible types and the baby is like your little hope that you have. I don't know about Pearl Harbor so I'm unsure how to take that idea.

This was a fun read, good job ^-^ Keep writing!

Well, that's all from me,
Godly :D




Daisuki says...


Thank you very very much for the review! The meteor shower is a metaphor for the bombing of Pearl Harbor. Sorry if that's depressing...

Thanks again!



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Fri Jan 09, 2015 5:42 am
PaperNessa wrote a review...



Hm. Deep. I liked the last stanza especially. It was hollowing yet heartbreaking at the same time. Great job. My only suggestion would be to change some of the wording to allow for the poem to flow a bit better. Since this was an English assignment, maybe you were more inclined to add some unneeded punctuation marks.

The line "that make sirens wail like a baby evicted from the womb" is fine, yet I would change the word "evicted" to "deprived" or "yanked" or something of the sort. The word "evicted" carries too much of a strong connotation. However, keep it as is if you are satisfied with it (I say this because cannot stand people that tell me what I NEED to change when really, who are they to comment?). Anyways, you could also change the line "Now can you guess what my eyes are filled with?" and put the "now" at the end of the line rather. Last thing, the phrase "the man on the radio" is a bit wordy and could be condensed to "The radio man" to progress the flow.

Other than that, this is definitely my favorite from the ones I've read previously.

Best Wishes,

Emily




Daisuki says...


Hey, thanks so much for the review! It's been a long time since I've posted something new so it's been a long time since I've gotten a review. I really appreciate it.
So, when you say strong connotation for evicted, is that bad? I know it might be kind of hard syllables that might mess up the flow, but I really wanted a strong word.
I'd like your opinion on the man on the radio part. See, it's an allusion to FDR's speech about Pearl Harbor, where he says that "this day will live in infamy". I actually like your suggestion of the radio man, but I feel like it would be strange, since a person listening to the radio would probably recognize him as the President, rather than the radio man. I'm not sure what I should do.
Thanks so very much again for the review <3




You're going to go through tough times - that's life. But I say, "Nothing happens to you, it happens for you." See the positive in negative events.
— Joel Osteen