Should clouds melt sky
and rain crash like acid,
it is with an adrenaline-fueled voice
that I defy you, stars.
The reason, for breathing and otherwise-
I know 'tis death,
and taming of sweet death; this history
that has loosed breath and soul from
lungs thinking oxygen was a myth.
and should fire rise from Hell itself
and knees hit the ground
it is with the one holding my hand
that I do whisper and scream:
I defy you, stars.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
Once again! Another review! Do you hate me now? >.<
Beginning on format, since you made the first stanza only four lines, it immediately broke the simple flow and rhythm the poem had.
Now focusing on meaning:
I don't really understand what you tried to get the reader to understand here. The title and saying "I defy you, stars." twice don't help the reader dig into the meaning of what was going on.
This is one of the only stanzas related to the sky. However, you almost detailed it too much. Improvements?
Random much? What does this have to do with the stars?
Again, unfortunately, I do not understand what you are trying to say. Perhaps something harder to understand than intended? Anyway, if you were trying to keep this short, but in the best way possible, you didn't do very well on that.
My rating:
7/10
It was OK, and it was better than what I have seen before, so I congratulate you on that. There are some major difficulties, though the rhythm and flow were amazing. I mean really just awesome.
Keep writing!
~Kitty
Hi, thanks again for the review. I appreciate your time and effort.
Okay, well this poem takes a little background knowledge. "I defy you, stars" comes from Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. This, and also some lines by Brutus from Julius Ceaser, maintain the idea of stars as controlling ones destiny, due to the fact that people would use the stars to predict the future way back when. So the line "I defy you, stars" is a fairly common alliteration. Moving to the second paragraph, this really references some spiritual beliefs, so I%u2019m sorry it%u2019s not that clear, but I don%u2019t really mind it being not that clear. The last stanza is supposed to tie together with the first stanza, describing some apocalyptic settings and ending with, essentially, %u201CI choose to defy my destiny.%u201D
My poems tend to be unclear because they talk about things that are often very personal, but please forgive me, and thanks again for your review.
Whoops, forgive the mess up on the apostrophes.
A superb and a beautiful poem. It has a very good rhythm and even though the lines do not rhyme, it is good. Your poem would have looked better if you just added the last line to the third stanza. That way the line would not have looked so left out. This is really a very good piece and really keep writing. I would like to see more coming out from you. Good luck and keep writing.
*Applauds* Very, very well written.
) with (;). Perhaps it is just me, but I think that would look better, and perhaps more correct.
I often hate and love to review poetry, as it is such a free verse and interpertation- even more so than short stories. So, if there's no grammer mistakes, there is nothing much to say.
Still, you have no comments, so I decided I much say something- this is very free flowing with lots of passion. My only puncuation correction would be this;
Literally. I believe that, in the last two lines of this poem, you should replace
Very much enjoyed.