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140,734 Literary Works • 673,684 Reviews
Are you aware this is absolutely gorgeous? Are you aware of the movement? Are you as amazed at I am that your phrasing here:
actually causes my inner sight to act out the movement here
and is FAR, far more effective than the repeated refrain of up and down? Like that moment of swinging is so incredibly clear. You chose the perfect motion words and nouns to work the image around, and I applaud you and am so jealous you could find such gorgeousness. The Morse code comparison to light, too, is spot on, oh my gosh!
But you do have weak points, and I hate them that much more because the rest of the poem is gorgeous.
For example:
cuddling? nibbled? These are itty bitty cute words that are at odds with the creatures you describe and sabotage the honesty of your dream with their tricksiness. Give me the clammy earthworms and the jerks of the maggots instead, so I can continue to believe you with my full heart.
The last big stanza, too, is rather weak at this point:
for mostly the same reason. It's tricksy and cheeky and there's enough of the cruel cheekiness of youth in the subject material that you don't need this sly aside. Get rid of it! Get rid of it completely, please.
Lastly, that last line is not needed. You have the title. We don't need bookends. We swing and we are brought down to the ground at the end, so there's no need for what maybe you thought was a gentler ending. We can exit on our own. Remove that line, too.
Thank you so much for this read. PM me if you have any questions or comments on the review, as I don't receive notifications for replies in this thread. Good luck and keep writing! Let me know if you have anything else you want eyes on. c:
I'm not exactly the best reviewer but here goes. The first image that popped into my mind was a person that had died and that have been buried in the ground and how with the years its body kept going deeper and deeper into the earth becoming a part of it as it went. I don't see any grammatical errors... I think, I was so captivated by the poem that I didn't check. So what is it that I think? I absolutely love this poem. To me it has something different and new, simply extraordinary.
it's
awesome