too wordy, as always! :P
Both their Breaths
The best love poem is one of
owl and night, and both their breaths;
the way currents flood contour feathers
like one body sinking into another.
The remnants
of red at the end of the world; it is always that
same dusk reminding orbiters of their synergy,
of the place they pass and brush and
bid the ashy Great Grey into waking.
Slow and slow blinks with
semiplumes ruffled; a wind serves
as a question, who? and it’s repeated–
“Hoo?” but never answered, even
by the whispers of anxious mice.
There is so much to be said
between them and their cores, which are
ultimately the same: talons and moonlight,
and the thought that dark is so beautiful.
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Hey there! Okay so I have mixed feeelings about this piece as there are parts I love, like the content and your imagery but there are parts I'm not sure about, like the flow or the premise of 'the best love poem'. I'll try to give a few suggestions:
The best love poem is one about
owl and night, and both their breaths; <<< I like the owl and night love story but I don't think you need to tell us that this is the best love poem. Partly because it's not (though it is a refreshing chage to some of the love poems I've read lately) but also because that sets your poem up to follow certain expectations or to subvert them and you don't do either here. For example, the poem isn't full of conceits or purposefully avoiding them.
the way that currents flood contour feathers <<< I'm not sure about the choice of flood here, I'd love to see somthing beginning with c instead, to continue that lovely consonance. Carry or cross or if you want to be more subtle, a softer word. The trouble with flood is it's a strong sounding word. Maybe fold? Or lift?
like one body sinking into another. The remnants
of blood at the end of the world; it is always that <<< I've lost your train of thought here, how did blood come into this? The simile doesn't make much sense to me or do muh in the way of building an image.
same dusk reminding orbiters of their synergy, <<< Love the space refrence, I wonder if you could play with that more?
of the place they pass and brush and
bid the ashy Great Grey into waking. I'm not sure what the Great Grey is but I'm also not sure that it matters if I don't know? It makes me think you may be making a reference to the Great Spirit, which would be uberly cool, or maybe you're avoiding calling the sky blue?
Slow and slow blinks with
semiplumes ruffled; a wind serves
as a question, who? and
it’sis repeated–“Hoo?” but never answered, even
by the whispers of anxious mice. <<< Love this stanza!
I'm not sure about your ending because of what I said before about the love poem premise but in general, I think you've got a lot of potential here. It could do with a few of the images being tightened and maybe check your word choice here and there but it's good.
Thanks for the read! Send me a pm if you have any questions,
Heather xxx