in frozen close and failing mist
eyelashes catch on ice
and fool themselves into shattered grips
stirring not but twice
bold lingering sounds congregate
about ears that cannot hear
and a warming flutter perturbs the frost
deeming kiss and dawn are near
nascent green and soft-spoken yellow
emerge from light deceased
and shadows shamble o’er moss unkind
as shy breaths ebb and cease
but no, my dreams are calling
and they tell me, “Do not die!
The morning’s not yet casting gold
on white mountain humming nigh.”
so clinging boldly to blessed pain
those star-flushed tears dissolve
by angel’s hand I’ll behold it for last
because this is my resolve!
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,274 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
I have to say, this was very very wonderful. I cannot believe you are 14 and writing this sort of stuff. Your first stanza hooks very nicely. You used great imagery, especially "nascent green and soft-spoken yellow" and "a warming flutter perturbs the frost" and my favorite "emerge from light deceased".
Your rhyming was good, nothing sounded forced and the flow was lovely. I am so impressed with this as I was getting a little fed up with YWS and the lack of actual literary devices. But you packed it all in, personification with eyelashes fooling themselves, imagery, and metaphors. Well done, truly well done!
Hey Daisuki!
As Circle said, it's like old English but yet it's still contemporary. There were some great bits like:
I'm here as requested - I thought I'd do this one because it has only one review and you'd probably need another review on this one
You've got a very nice writing style, I must say. It's very fluent and it makes it a great read
All I can say is that it's so obvious that THIS IS YOU. This is your style - with your own stamp. That's what it feels like to us.
I fear this has become a comment on how awesome your style is.
Onto the important bit, the improvements
To be honest, there aren't any! XD I did come across one thing that I thought was a possible Typo:
Do you mean stirring not once but twice?
But otherwise, it was perfect - I really couldn't find anything that you could improve it! It was brilliant, like one of those featured works
Keep writing!
Mac
This is actually a really nice piece that I myself can not find any errors in. I loved the wording of it. It was..almost like Old English, but yet still modern. It really gave a good impact to the feeling of the poem. Like I said, there's really nothing wrong with this poem that I can see. The stanzas are broken up quite nicely, giving it a good flow.
I really liked this opening stanza because it caught my attention. Job well done with that one. I also liked how you kept up with the rhyming, but didn't make it sound ridiculous and still managed to make the point of the poem clear. All in all, really great piece of work and keep writing, definitely.