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You Waited Too Long

by Cithara


A/N: It's been awhile since I've put my work up for review; honestly I don't know what to think of my poetry anymore...To me it feels like a bunch of different images sloppily strung together without much structure. What are your thoughts? 

My breath has been snatched by the nerves that buzz within me.
I talk too much or I talk too little—but I never talk to him.
Only an hour waits, standing on a ledge, ready to leap . . .
And once the sand trickles to the bottom,
I know I cannot turn the glass upside down to start again.

And in that moment I realize I have to do something
Or he will be out of my fingertips and back into the world.
But instead of putting one foot forward I rest it there.
Knuckles crack and hair falls in front of my face.
I bite my lip and try to meet his eyes.
But they do not meet mine.
And then he is gone.

My heart falls into an abyss I cannot bring it out of.
Sweat begins to emulate the moisture that meets
the lids of my eyes.
I know I have just eradicated something
I have never had before.

Frustration settles in my mind, and all I can think about
is not the ceremony of gowns and certificates
or the flashing of cameras
and the eruption of “CONGRATULATIONS.”
Why should I be congratulated?
My fears have won.

His face begins to fade in and out of focus.
My window has been slammed shut and the air turns cold.
My door has been locked and I am back to square one.
And under my breath I vow to grab tightly to the ropes next time
instead of letting them go for fear of falling.


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Tue Jun 30, 2015 11:18 pm
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Noelle says...



Wish I could give you a review for this, but everyone's already beaten me to the good stuff :3 I'm so glad you posted this and I absolutely love it! Yes, this is a bunch of different images, but it's not sloppy. The way you fit them together really works.

Man I miss your poetry.

Keep writing! <3
**Noelle**






I miss my poetry too! I need to write more <3
Thank you so much for your kind words; it encourages me to keep going!



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Tue Jun 30, 2015 4:29 pm
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Chrysalia wrote a review...



Personally, I am a big fan of stream of conscious... Virginia Woolf, etc.
I feel like, for this kind of person, and for someone who has struggled with inability to communicate (everyone?) this poem is perfect.
To me, this piece expresses very well what you are seeking to express, with emotional, meaningful imagery and genuine honesty. I really do love the imagery, even if it's messy or something... sand trickling to the bottom, knuckles cracking, lips biting, the contrast of "CONGRADULATIONS" with everything else.
The only thing I would change would be the wordiness of "emulate" and "eradicate"... I would mess around with the sentence involving those words a bit.
Overall though, this is an excellent expression of human life.




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Mon Jun 29, 2015 9:44 pm
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Morrigan wrote a review...



Hello, Scratch!

So I'll begin in a way that is unusual for me. Everything in niteowl's review is completely true, and I heartily endorse that review. Thank goodness I read it first because otherwise, I would say a lot of the same things.

That being said, this leaves room for me to look at the details and help you with phrasing and wordiness.

My breath has been snatched by the nerves that buzz within me.
This is not only in passive voice, as owl mentioned (passive voice, if you didn't know, is a sentence that uses a form of the verb "to be" and makes it possible to say "this was done BY such-and-such), but rather wordy, as well. Fixing passive voice is easy enough; it just involves switching around the subject and the object.
"the nerves that buzz within me" adds a lot more stuff than we need. So let's put some of it in the attic and trim it down by saying "my buzzing nerves."
Here we are, though, in a passive voice. So let's pull a switcheroo and fix it up.
Use the nerves as the subject.
My buzzing nerves snatch my breath.

Much clearer, much cleaner.

In the next line, I would amend it to: "I talk too much or too little"

Instead of an ellipsis, why don't you use a dash? I feel like jumping off of a cliff would be more of an interruption than trailing off. I would also try to use different imagery here to create something a little more cohesive with the graduation near the end. I was thrown off by the dark, almost gothic imagery here, and the bright beginning of summer below.

I know I cannot turn the glass upside down to start again.
This line is also wordy. Try this instead: "I know I cannot upend the glass."

Not so hot on you starting the next stanza with and. It might seem breathless to you, but it's just kinda jarring.

Or he will be out of my fingertips and back into the world.
I'm not sure I understand this line.

But instead of putting one foot forward I rest it there.
This line sounds odd. Why don't you say "Instead of putting one foot forward, I let it rest"?

And then he is gone.
You go into a dramatic monologue in the very next line, and we only get that he is gone? Put some more effort into the disappearance. It will fit better.

My heart falls into an abyss I cannot bring it out of.
This is my least favorite line. Because I've heard it too many times before. Try finding a different image-- a more relatable one. Not many people have seen an abyss. At least the kind you're talking about. Try a canyon or something, at least.

and all I can think about
is not the ceremony of gowns and certificates
This is awkward. I'd say
"I can't think about
the ceremony..."

Interesting ending. I like the ropes thing because it contradicts itself, but also rings true.

Overall, I enjoyed the imagery in this, but I think it needs a little more work. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy YWSing!






Thank you so much Morrigan! As I've stated before, this is not embellished/revised whatsoever xD Your suggestions were much needed, and I'll go back and work on everything. My poetry has been a little...meh lately, and I don't know where to start with revising after I've finished. *needs to get back into the swing of things*
Thanks again!



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Mon Jun 29, 2015 4:05 pm
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Eferhilda wrote a review...



Firstly, I get the feeling of having your work just sound like a bunch of jumbled images all rolled into one. It is rather frustrating and annoying, but rest assured your work is pretty good in my opinion.

Overall, I love the emotion behind it and the way you were able to make me feel the same emotion with you. I felt this sense of suspense, apprehension, dread and regret to the point where I was just all caught up in this like it was a story.

"My heart falls into an abyss I cannot bring it out of.
Sweat begins to emulate the moisture that meets
the lids of my eyes.
I know I have just eradicated something
I have never had before."


That would be my favorite part of the whole poem. Great Job! And I look forward to reading more from you.






Thank you for the lovely compliment! Lately I've just been writing what comes to my mind without thinking about structure, pattern, or even how to end the poem. I appreciate your interpretation, it means a lot to me.



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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there TheScratchedAcoustic! Niteowl here to review for the Pagemasters of Schadenfreude and Fahrvergnügen! ;)

Now, overall, I really like this. I feel like it tells a strong story of a missed opportunity, a good angle on the "unrequited love" theme. I think a lot of people can relate to it, and it has some strong imagery.

My breath has been snatched by the nerves that buzz within me.


I feel like the passive voice here makes this feel like an odd start. I think you could cut this and start with the second line--it feels more direct and fitting with the narrative style of the piece.

Only an hour waits, standing on a ledge, ready to leap . . .


In general, not a big fan of ellipses in poetry, but that's my personal opinion. I'm also not sure how I feel about the ledge imagery. I feel like it creates a much different picture from the graduation-themed imagery that comes later. I think this could be fleshed out with more graduation-themed ideas (waiting for names to be called). Or if this is supposed to refer to a day before the graduation, make that more clear.

And in that moment I realize I have to do something
Or he will be out of my fingertips and back into the world.


I wouldn't start with "And" in two lines so close together. Besides that, the first line is kind of boring. I don't have any suggestions though, so maybe it's necessary. I love the second line though.

But instead of putting one foot forward I rest it there.


This line is kind of odd. It's metaphorical, but then we go right back into some awesome concrete imagery. I'm not sure you need it at all.

My heart falls into an abyss I cannot bring it out of.
Sweat begins to emulate the moisture that meets
the lids of my eyes.
I know I have just eradicated something
I have never had before.


Okay, so this is far and away my least favorite stanza. The first line is cliche and the second gives us some really odd imagery. I like the idea of the last two lines, of killing something you never even had, but I feel like I already got that feeling from the end of the last stanza. It could be restated, but I'm not sure it needs to be.

Frustration settles in my mind, and all I can think about


I really like this stanza, but this line seems really plain. I think a simpler lead-in to the next line would work better, like "I cannot think of the ceremony..."

I feel like the last stanza is most like what you described in the author's note, a series of jumbled images. Some of them are kind of boring (square one, fear of falling). I suggest taking one and developing it a little more instead of going all over the place. I like the "in and out of focus" one since it ties into the cameras from the last stanza, but it's up to you.

I know I've been kind of critical and suggested a lot of cuts. I tend to do that in poetry reviews. However, I really like the overall concept and story and would love to see it streamlined a little more. Keep writing! :)






Thank you so much for this. I needed a new set of (critical) eyes to look at this. Cutting some of this out would do it a bit of good, thanks for pointing out what should be. This isn't my embellished piece so I haven't revised much since I actually wrote it. Thank you again!



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Sun Jun 28, 2015 1:42 am
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Sonder says...



I really, really like this. <333






Aw thank you!



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Willard wrote a review...



Hey, yo, TheScratchedAcoustic! Strange here on this fantastic review day and I have a review for you!

I haven't reviewed any of your works before, so this is odd. I must say though, in response to your A/N, poetry means nothing. I write too much poems, and they have no value at all. They are just words slapped together. The reason why poetry is important is because you want to see how people think. How they interpret it.

This was, I must admit, mighty good. I enjoy the structure and line breaks you use because it opens your MC up for vulnerability. To get a person to open up just for poetry is hard to do, and when it is done, it usually turns out golden. This was no exception. I felt this bitterness and realism just screaming inside of your words, but they are locked by fear. You grabbed these emotions, slapped them together, and made them mix. That's, that's awesome.

In technical terms, you do have a glaring problem. The way you cut lines up was good, punctuation was good, it was nearly all good. In the third stanza, however, you don't start any lines with capitalization. As I am very strong for no capitalization is always needed, it doesn't bother me. But, if you are going to start a pattern, stick with it. It felt a bit weird that being like that, or maybe there's a theme I'm not seeing.

My main problem is that this isn't fleshed out enough. They are the thoughts of the teenager, and thoughts make everything seem longer. Our dreams are only 2.1 seconds long, but we stretched them out. This felt a bit too rushed, so maybe some longer lines and possibly another stanza could help. But, no matter what, this was a pretty darn good poem.

Great job, keep writing, and stay groovy!






If I recall you did give me one review on a past poem, but it was a while ago! Thanks for your interpretation of the piece, I did try to use format and line breaks to create that kind of feeling (and of course I need to improve it ha ha). I'll work on keeping consistent patterns in the poem and to work on fleshing it out. Thank you for your thoughts and criticism!




The snow leopard is absolutely magnificent. It represents really what endangered species are all about.
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