Sometimes I wish people would stop assuming because misguided thinking distorts their eyes,
So when they look at something, the dark and clouded cloak of close-mindedness has ruined their sense of curiosity.
And I find myself crying out because they don’t know everything yet and they never will unless they stop accusing.
Take that shaky finger away and put it in your pocket and save your hatred for a rainy day when nobody is around.
Break the walls and scream until your lungs are crushed with a defiant roar and calm overtakes your heart and slows your beat.
Sit down and listen to me, because no, you don’t know everything and no you never will.
And I have learned to accept the above line for my supposing has come to a halt.
My words have strangled too many hearts and shattered too many souls and I don’t want to be that kind of person.
But you can learn as much as possible in this one life of ours.
So I will sit and let your words sink in and my tears will not mangle together down my face because
I will try to understand
And I will let you speak.
Unveil your eyes and look at everything standing in every shoe you can find.
Breathe and open you heart and love me,
Because I love you
Just as I love everyone else.
A/N: Wrote this a few days ago. Please let me know what you think ^^
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,345 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
I absolutely loved this poem.
I felt this distinct satisfaction when I finished it and it reminds of somebody who's lived a long, eventful life and know is burdened with the power of never ending wisdom and patience.
I loved the way the last two paragraphs ended with such an impact.
The first line - "because misguided thinking distorts their eyes" is so apt!
Keep writing!
Ah... Poem's like these. You know, I like them so much. It feels nice to relax and read something like this, it puts my sense of talent into my fingertips to get me to start writing. Although I'm not good at poetry, and so, I read all kinds and rely on other people to fulfill that.
You have fulfilled that quite nicely. Not only do I feel inspired but many ideas are coming to mind as I type. I don't feel that wasting this effort on a review will do the energy justice, considering I got it from this piece of work.
So as to not disappoint many other people, and mostly myself, I guess I should end the review and start writing, eh?
Wow, this is a very beautiful and nice!
A few things I would suggest doing is to probably break up the lines more and not have such great line length differences. Visually, it is a bit hard to read because of this.
Here, where the lines are broken up like this:
So I will sit and let your words sink in and my tears will not mangle together down my face because
I will try to understand
And I will let you speak.
It looks a little bit awkward. I really love the flow of the last two lines, but I think maybe the first line should be broken up like this:
So I will sit
And let your words sink in
And my tears will not mangle (mingle?) together
Down my face,
Because I will try to understand
I will let you speak
That's just an example, and of course, it's all up to you whether you'd like to change it or not!
One other thing I might change is adding punctuation in some places. You have some sentences that have sentences that don't.
Overall this was very wonderful to read!!
I hope this has helped in some way.
Writer, the first word
Lovely to see you deary, lets get some reviewing done here, starting with critique.
Capitalization stuck out to me. The first three stanzas have capitalization only at the beginnings of sentences, which is my personal preference. Then, you start capitalizing the first word of every line. You should pick one and stick to it.
Just a bit of a malapropism here, I think you meant mingle? Mangle means to mutilate or disfigure :/.
Alright, more general things, your enjambment for starters. I love that you're playing with it. I love that you have so much variety in sentence length and all that jazz. But some lines ramble on to long, and it seems like you break them only because you ran out of room. Remember that the break is meant to emphasize certain words or feelings, build tension, something.
So take this bit for example
If it were up to me, I would break it like this
I just suggest playing with the lines to get the best effect.
Subject wise, it is very insightful and strong, and it makes the reader think. You do get a bit wordy at time, try to minimize your language by choosing few yet highly descriptive words.
You're amazing rhia
I'll work on what you said!
I was a little unsure on how I should break the sentences, but you pointed it out.
Just letting you know too that you can request those reviews by the way.
Thank you!
Also mingled is what I meant, gah XD