I wrote this in 8th grade :P Not too serious about it, but what do you think?
There are memories that hold like pictures on a clothesline
And the pins cling onto them so tightly they will never leave my mind
There are memories that link friendships, connecting lessons learned and experiences encountered
Each picture contains a story that expresses the stepping into the classroom, the initiation of greeting, the molding of a friend on the first day of school
The misinterpretations and the misunderstandings,
The slipups and the apologies
All intertwine in the frames of these photographs
Through all the clutter and chaos,
The mending and smiles,
The hope and happiness,
The pressure and confession
There stands a family that has grown together,
Some leaving, some joining
There stands living proof of another generation that has survived
They are the small rocks that withstand rough waves
Waves of all-nighters
Waves of exclusion
Waves of change
They are the candleholders who shine their light in places of darkness
They are the children that bring promise to a world of cruelty
What is unique about them is that they do not do it alone
They do it together
Despite the difference in each of them, they exist as one
And there remains one picture amidst all the photographs that flutter in the wind
There remains one word amidst all the words that describe them
FAMILY
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Canary word: Present
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Well this is a pretty cool piece. I love that you show how photographs can capture the essence of family memories.
Basically the main think I can think of to say about this piece is that it needs refinement. Much of what you say is very vague and wordy.
You have a lot of good ideas here, but they all run together and you don't really give them the weight they deserve. Concrete images would go a long way to remedy this. Your image of pictures on a clothesline is a great image, but you need to use more images like that and give that image the weight it deserves.
This section is another example of what I mean. These ideas are all there, but they are really vague and that makes it hard for the reader to connect with them. In order to give each of them the weight they deserve, I'd recommend giving each central idea/memory a stanza of its own, then think of some powerful imagery you associate with it and use that. Since this is centered around photographs, using a lot of imagery and description about the photographs and the memories they spark will make this a lot more powerful.
To fix the wordiness, just go in there and trim every word that doesn't need to be there. Get rid of a lot of the "the"s and other extraneous words. That will give more power to the remaining words.
Those are the two main things I wanted to say about this poem. Hope this helped and happy Review Day!
I like the way you are explaining various phases of a plain photograph seeing its inner story and beauty. but for the nitpick-
"Each picture contains a story that expresses the stepping into the classroom,"- here there is some grammatical error in this like, you may either use "a'' classroom in place of ''the'', is you want to bean that each step brings you to a new destination where you learn something new. you may as well write it as "Each picture contains a story, like the first step in a new class room" if you mean it in a literal sense.
"They are the small rocks that withstand rough waves"- i like your imagination here however " small rock'' seems quite weird, why not boulders that obstruct the huge waves?
"candleholders who shine", the phrase is beautiful and even throws a good imagery but i guess there must be a space between candle and holders , may be a typing mistake.
"They are the children that bring promise to a world of cruelty"- the note is quite pessimistic where angels like small children are the cause of ruin. i suggest change this line as it though true that some among these angels might change to devils but its not all, there is always a good way and a bad. so either you may clarify either way or remove or amend the line.
keep writing,
Rituparna
Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. Warning- I'm might ramble off-topic so please just ignore those parts. I would like to begin that some of these words/phrases got me confused and how families like mind, are like this poem.
1.) Where you say "there stands" should be "there is".
2.) The beginning got me a little confused since you are talking about school when the poem is about family.
3.) Even though you wrote this in 8th grade, some of these parts make sense while some don't but that's coming from a 14 year old.
Anyway, this poem would be like most families since they share memories together and how the memories are on a string hanging across the room. The pictures we see everyday from our families is like artwork in an museum or in a classroom. There are times when families have new members join/die but that is life.
Farewell, and this sucks
CapitalMonday
Wow. Incredible piece.
I see absolutely nothing wrong. There are no grammar mistakes, no spelling mistake.
Punctuation doesn't count, because songs (lyrics) are just like poetry. They don't need punctuation.
I have only one question. Was Family deliberately put in all caps?
Anyway, good job! 10/10 for this piece!
Cheers,
~Swiftfur