A/N: My assignment was to use as many happy metaphors as possible. Then my creative writing group revised the piece. :)
I sit there watching, waiting, wondering
My thoughts are swirling like the pouring of
Delicious frozen yogurt on a hot, sunny day
I don’t know if I should answer the question
There I am, in the place of others who have come and gone
The chairs etched with care are mere reminders of the failures
Pencils roll leisurely off desks, breaking the silence like Kit Kats
The ticking of the clock is still like Jell-O, as if all time had stopped
The possible solution pops into my mind like bubblegum
It stays there, snapping like pop rocks, but as quickly as it came
The thought melts instantly like cotton candy in my open mouth
The way to impress the others has dissolved like Pixie Sticks in water
The next question is asked and a sudden idea appears
The relief burns within me as if I had just downed
A mug of hot chocolate too fast
My hand shoots up like a Push Pop
When my name is called, the idea blossoms
It grows elegantly into an answer worth satisfying
But with each sentence I form, the petals drop off
And, one by one, I only come close to picking the correct answer
Points:
Time spent:
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Canary word: Present
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139,345 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Hi Thewriter13!
I loved this poem! And you definitely succeeded in using your happy metaphors! Your descriptions were amazing!
"My thoughts are swirling like the pouring of
Delicious frozen yogurt on a hot, sunny day"
I love the use of the word 'swirling' here! It made a very effective image in my mind!
I admire the way you found SO many sweet-treats'/candies' names and used them so aptly too!
The way you described answering questions in class, I think (I'm not sure, I'm not great at this) was AMAZING!
I'd love to see more happy metaphor poems!
I noticed you didn't use any full stops/ periods. Was this intentional?
-Yastika02
Hi!
I think this poem is very good
It has GREAT imagery
I think you have a knack for imagery
I love the metaphors you used, and how you related it all to candy, or sugary items
I don't necessarily know what to think though
I mean, it's great, definitely and well written
It's also simple-minded. Sorry I don't know if that sounds rude, it's not supposed to
I mean that in the way that, It's easy to figure out and that's good for some poems
I am just used to writing, and am more into reading poems that leave you thinking
or that have deep meaning
I don't know if the whole poem is maybe an analogy, but I don't think so
Sorry, I hope none of this sounds rude
Anyway, it's a great poem, and wonderful use of analogies and metaphors
c:
Keep up the great work!
Over and out,
KayKayKoala
<3
c:
P.S
Smile xD
It's good for you
Haha sorry, I do that a lot
I'll stop now
Bye
Have fun! c:
<3
I see what you're saying. You don't have to add "sorry if this sounds rude" because it doesn't at all. No I understand...it's not one of those complex poems that you try to analyze lol. I was just using a lot of metaphors to make things more...lively, I suppose. You know, to form an image in your head. Don't worry if your words seem harsh (which they didn't btw) because it's a review. If you don't say what you think then I won't know what to fix. Thanks for the review and thanks for checking it out. i appreciate that
Hey! IamTraunt here as requested!
Now, I'm definitely not an expert on poems, (although I just did an exam on them). One of the things I love about poems is the interpretations you can get from them. Well you said you wrote this in class so you give us a bit of background knowledge there, but if I read this with out the comment, I would be able to guess that this was talking about school, especially in this line:
I also like your wording here, it gives me the idea that the pencils are unhurried or relaxed, as if the day has suddenly made the pencils 'go at there own pace' so-to-speak, which is effective due to the time period used (an exam) as you use personification to show how lazy the pencils are. Or maybe you use this to show how the clock is ticking while the person who is trying to answer the question is wasting this time not being able to write anything down.
Additionally, you use triple emphasis effective here:
Presumably to emphasis the amount of thinking you are doing or how you are unsure what to write or answer the question, obviously showing that you have writers block. Oh! And it's alliteration too.
Nitpick!
When I read this I was thinking: what is the first thought that comes to mind when you say Jell-O? And the first thing was wobbling. In my opinion, I don't think Jell-O would be appropriate as it is the opposite of still, it is all over the place, always moving even at the slightest movement. It's just a thought though.
You know, if you want to make this piece even more impressive, why not use enjambment? For example:
Using enjambment would be really effective as it would show the on going on time and how it is carrying on as you try to think of your answer and then as you write your idea down. (You could even not use enjambment to show how time is stopped in the 8th line). You do use it on the odd occasion, but to boost it up, I suggest trying to use it more.
Okay, that's all from me! I'll let the others read and review.
Good job! Keep up the good work!
Wow, I never thought about using enjambments in those ways. Thank you for this review! It wasn't actually based on someone answering a question on a test, rather a verbal question in class. (hence the hand shooting up bit) but you really helped me improve this piece. And you say you're not an expert on poems...sure....
Haha
Love the end part <3
Sorry for thinking it was an exam - My brain is in stupid-mode.
Its a lovely piece of working and you definitely deserved to be commended. Bravo! You should pat yourself on the back.