Standing on the corner of giving up and trying again,
there is a small girl holding a bright cherry lollipop,
torn between two people who hate with reds and screams.
Their voices ripped raw with accusations and words “unheard.”
She sucks on this treat, her heart slowing down to an unfound serenity,
her lemon hair speckled with dirt, her crystal blue eyes distant and empty.
Her lips are stained with artificial colors that match her artificial life.
*
Nothing is ever real
Not to her anyway.
Mary Janes glossed with tears.
Rich velvet dresses smudged and tattered.
Curls sticky and knotted tighter than their being.
*
If you could climb a mountain, when would you tire?
how dare you come back here
Would the blows and sharp breaths stab your heart and slow you down?
you mean nothing to me
Would the sun splash its waves into a heat bath, pasting golden clumps to furrowed brows?
you are not my daughter.
*
~Love does not delight in evil but
rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes,
always perseveres.~
And as she pulls the lollipop out of her mouth, she asks in a small voice,
“do they love me?”
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hey Writer, let us get to the reviewi
Poetry <3
This is amaaaazing like always. (Why do I even attempt to review a poem after timmy?) The imagery was just perfect. I love how you described it but it wasn't too much. The lollipop was kind of confusing though. I think it adds to the innocence of the girl though, so we know she's young. And then maybe as a distraction from her parents?
I'm glad you changed the first line, it really helps the flow. Good job
I think the last stanza could use some work. I like the last two lines, but I was kind of confused about the italicized words.
Over all, this is another amazing poem of yours. Great job my sweet <3
Keep writing these lovely poems so I can review them some more
make sure you give me something to correctHappy Review Day!
-Kamryn
Thanks!
Beautiful, just Beautiful....
Each stanza begins with different opening and then connects with the main idea of your poem.
for the first
"
Standing on the corner of giving up and trying again,
there is a small girl holding a bright cherry lollipop,
torn between two people who hate with reds and screams.
Their voices ripped raw with accusations and words “unheard.”
She sucks on this treat, her heart slowing down to an unfound serenity,
her lemon hair speckled with dirt, her crystal blue eyes distant and empty.
Her lips are stained with artificial colors that match her artificial life.
"
beautiful play of words...
loved the line- torn between two people who hate with reds and screams.
and the result was the scared poor girl- She sucks on this treat, her heart slowing down to an unfound serenity,
the feelings and emotions created by the lines hit bang on...
then the denial mode-
"Nothing is ever real
Not to her anyway. "
those lines- "not real" works well in the poem.
most of all, i loved the last stanza
"~Love does not delight in evil but
rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes,
always perseveres.~
And as she pulls the lollipop out of her mouth, she asks in a small voice,
“do they love me?”
it said the heart of the girl in an amazingly innocent and vulnerable manner.
kudos to you.
keep writing such great works.
review my work at- The first betrayal
let me know what you think. would love your opinion...
Thanks! Will do
Hello TheWriter13!
I really like this, I was just counting the seconds until review day so I could review it without the guilt of not helping my teammates! XD. Anyway, this kind of looks like a divorce, the child has to watch the parents fighting and all. I don't really know why the red lollipop makes a difference, but it gives the reader something to focus on besides the big "POW!" of emotion. They probably love her, just not each other. If not, how are they parents anymore?
~Kelpies.
the lollipop kind of represents innocence.
thanks!
I think this piece is beautiful.
It's so mesmorising and so filled with emotion.
I loved the part where you put the "how dare you come back" and "you mean nothing to me" and "you are not my daughter" as passing thoughts in the middle of those questions.
I look forward to more from you!
Thank you
Timmy here!
I will try to give you a decent length review on this, but since this is so good, I don't know how I will do it. Shall we try for it, anyway? You game? Grab a seat - over there, good job - and just hang on.
I loved how you wrote this, how each idea flowed smoothly into the next and the description. Oh, the description. You did it how I like reading - not seeming like the forefront of the piece, but just lingering in the background. You describe everything to give such a wonderful image to us, and I can truthfully say that I can see anything to clearly. The word choice in this poem was phenomenal, something I must really, really praise you on. One thing I have noticed you do with your work: you eliminate the need for entire lines, stanzas, with just one word. The one I liked especially was unfound serenity because it said so much and was such a wonderful blend of words.
The idea is one I wasn't sure about in the beginning - I mean, wasn't sure about if some people would consider it cliché or not (of course some would. Some people would call a polka-dotted zebra winning the Kentucky Derby cliché - true story, though. Ask my dad). But after reading through, I was like, No, this is perfect. The element inside it, the message you put across, is one people have used before. Okay, you're not the first one to see the idea. Fine. Whatever. Not a big deal. I am not the first person to type a review on this piece, but everyone hopes (and some achieve this) to have written the best review on the piece. Remembering that, there is no reason why this can't be truly singular and a new idea. And you take an idea which people write on quite often and you took it for your own ride. Seriously. One thing you need to remember with me is that I don't joke. Like never (okay, that's probably not truthful. I joke all the time, although I remain perfectly serious in reviews. No laughing here. Nu-uh). You, erm, grabbed this bull by the tail and looked it in the eyes - however that works, I don't know - and made this piece with so much of you in it, with so much of your beautiful, flowing style (don't deny) in this piece, I was truly taken away with it. You took the idea and you brought it up to a place it hasn't been before. This was truly beautiful.
Okay, so your first reviewer mentioned this part and while she didn't really extract the idea, I understand where she was with this. It does read a little awkward - not a big deal, but with a piece that flows like this, anything is a necessity. So I think you could re-write this line real quick and give it a better flow? Perhaps--
--that, which will keep everything flowing by quite nicely, I think. Don't take my suggestion, though. You can do it much better than me.
This line is confusing - misleading. Like, pretty bad. So when I read through this for the first time, I thought it was a poem about how the little girl deals with her parents divorcing. Uh, yeah. Because when you say torn between... I automatically assumed it meant she had to choose between them. Like, she had to go with one of them or something. I know I maybe be imagining it, but there it is, anyway. Maybe you can understand my nonsense. Also, I think you could have done much better with the word, reds. It just seemed so vague and boring compared to the other perfect imagery and words you have in this piece.
Artificial colors and artificial life is so perfect, and I think it should be scattered more throughout the piece as a form of repetition, especially since you have it in the title.The bolded word seemed very awkward and difficult for me. I know what it means, and it works and everything, but it just seemed boom!, in your face and out of place. That may just be me, though.
I had something to say on the ending, but I just forgot it. *facepalm* Let me think for a moment. Maybe it'll come back to me. Oh, yes. Here it is. So, while I completely understood where you went with the ending and everything, it seemed disjointed and awkward when you read it beside the part in italics right above - something that seems almost like some kind of proverb of wise words or something. So I think maybe add a beginning and ending for the part in italics - something that either finishes it and gives an introduction to the part with the ending? Because it almost seems like a jar (like when you stop suddenly when you're driving, you know?) in the poem, because the ideas are completely different - one focusing not on her, but on love, and the next part brings the focus back to her. I would have actually loved to see the last stanza like the third stanza. I liked the flow and haunting feeling it gave me. I don't know. Work with it if you want to (if you edit these things. I sometimes do if it bothers me that much) and see what you come up with.
So, yeah. I didn't have much to say as far as nitpicks go, but I hope you can find something useful in there. This was a beautiful poem, truly beautiful. I hope to see more poetry from you, Grace, because when I read your stuff I always feel like I am reading something I can relate to. Each time. And the words are always so beautiful and the images and the thoughts and the prose and the characters and everythingelseinthepoem.
Amazing.
~Darth Timmyjake
>.> this review is too awesome, why must you
Okay, I'll work on the first line, and you're right about the reds....it was weird and I don't know why I even put it in there. I guess I just wanted a color to symbolize the chaos as well, and yes this was about them getting divorced. I'll work on it ^^
As for everything else, it shall be changed when I can.
THANK YOU TIMMY *hugs* this means a lot
hmm, so this is the ONLY time you can be serious?*will review on review day*
Howdy! Hows it going? Great work! As always first comes appreciating whatever efforts you have put in there. It gives a great boost and develops your confidence in the first place!
These are the few lines which I think might have a change so that the poem sounds great!
"there is a small girl holding a bright cherry lollipop,"
And as she pulls the lollipop out of her mouth, she asks in a small voice,
“do they love me?”
The positives-
You have used a great set of words to convey your poems message and all that. I really loved the way you have started and ended it. I do not find major grammar errors or anything. It really is a wonderful piece. Honest <3
KEEP WRITING!
Have a great day!
WISH TO SEE MORE FROM YOU!
Thank you! One question, how should I change the poem with the lines you mentioned?
Thanks and have a great day too!
Try twisting the words here and there for a better flow but I think it sounds good the way you have written it too.
Oh okay. Thanks!