A/N: I know it's short and simple but please don't hesitate to review. I'm kind of nervous about this poem...(edited)
There is a sound that pulsates through the sky, pinching chills into the arms of foreigners
This noise pushes all quiet out of its miry and mossy groves, lurking in the shadows of the unknown
There is a buzz that penetrates the silence and washes over a lazy gator
A ghost flower, with its tentacle-like petals and piercing red eyes, trembles in the shallow breeze
Feet push through muddy water, trudging through the thickets,
Mosquitos latch onto bare, defenseless skin, hungry for flesh
Heat comes in armies, marching through saw grass and setting flames to faces
Though this swamp appears somnolent
It is very much awake
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Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. I would like to say about this poem is well-written and how you describe life in such a excellent way is why you are an amazing writer. I enjoyed the imagery in this and how you can imagine the flower or the swamp (if you will).
Nitpicks:
It is very much awake This doesn't sound as right as I thought it would be. But when i read the stanza before that, i understand better but i am a little confused too.
and setting flames to faces Also this little chunk of this stanza seems to me like the heat is setting everything it see on fire or everything that is in the swamp as a heatwave towards everyone. Also you could put heatwave somewhere in there (you could.)
with its tentacle-like petals you could put -octopus-like petals (or you could just leave as it is)
All and all, i believe that poem is well-written and uses personification at its finest and how the similes/metaphors makes everything smooth and easy to get/read.
Farewell,
CapitalMonday
Hi there!
First, may I just say, I love the imagery you have throughout this poem. You give us a really nice painting of a swamp, how alive it is even though it looks sleepy and silent and eerie to people who don't know any better.
The poem is short enough that you don't need to break it into stanzas (although it would look nicer without the spaces between lines). However, I feel like the last two lines are weak compared to the rest of the poem. I like the contrast between the swamp appearing sleepy to one person and awake to another, but I feel that "ignorant tourist" and "regular adorer" are bland phrases compared to the rest of your lovely imagery. I think you could even just cut those out--rather than saying that the swamp appears sleepy TO someone and awake TO someone else, you could actually just say that it appears sleepy (in general) but is actually very much awake/alive. By cutting out "ignorant tourist" and "regular adorer," the last two lines will be much stronger.
Blue
Ah, what a grand idea. I'll look into that as I revise. Thanks for the review!
For some reason it won't let me take out the spaces
For some reason it won't let me take out the spaces
Did you upload it or copy-paste it from a Microsoft Word document? I think it has a "preserve white spaces" option when you publish, so if your document was double-spaced then YWS will keep that formatting. If you just put your poem in a Word doc on single-spacing, no spaces before or after paragraph, and then copy-paste it into YWS again, then it should format it without the spaces.
P.S. The last two lines sound much better now!
Ok thanks
Hi, thewriter13! (You need a good nickname. I can't think of anything).
Soo, you're unsure of this poem? Hm. I'll try and make you feel more confident.
Your imagery is great! I love the words you use to describe all the wild life and animals in this swamp. I love the first three lines, and the lazy gator part. I thought it was marvelous.
So, I wrote a poem once and a reviewer told me that my imagery was great, but more emotion/relation/Ican'tremembertheword. Maybe adding a little of that into it, but I thought the last two lines really provoked that idea.. But even so, just a tad more would be good.
Punctuation! Now, I said this to anothe writer, it may just be your style, but don't be afraid to throw in commas and periods. A period at the end would be good, and a couple or so commas in there may sound good.
I don't have muc to critique about, I thought it was a very simple, straightforward, poem. Great job! Keep writing! Your work is great!
~WillowPaw1~
Thank you for your critique! I'll work on what you said. Emotion, emotion!
I'll be interested to see what nickname you give me lol
You're welcome!
I'm still thinking. Thewriter13 is kind of hard to incorporate into a nickname. Almost everyone on this site has one xD
Hee hee some people have been calling me Liesel, but my name is actually Grace
Liesel is from the Book Theif, right? Your avvie? :3
Yep
My all time fave book
I haven't read it >:(
*Gasp* Go. Read. It. Now.
Okie! I'll ask for it for my birthday
the beginning is so boring, though! (the book thief, not your poem; I loved that!
) I couldn't get into it! Does it get better? If so, when???
It does
I think when she steals the book at the burning is when it gets better
Hey Writer!
RoyalHighness has arrived to review!
So overall, this was good. Let's talk about mechanics before we get into style and feeling and whatnot.
First line- no problems. Love the word "pulsates."
Second line- can you find a better word than "areas"?
Third line- like how "penetrates," echoes "pulsates," and that the buzz washes.
Fourth line- love love love
Fifth line- "of wildlife," is kind of redundant. Can you just leave "the thickets"? A-plus alliteration!
Sixth line- loving the imagery
Seventh line- had to take a second to get the heat coming in armies but by the end of the line, I'm in love with that image
Eighth line- Okay. Can you find a better word than "sleepy"?
Ninth line- Like it! No problems there.
Nice enjambment all the way through. Way to really commit.
Technically, your whole poem is on point.
But I feel nothing when I read it.
Maybe it's because I'm so hungry I could eat a live alligator, but I'm just not feeling this poem. I read "pulsates," and I think, "Well, that's nice, but who cares?" I read "tentacle-like petals," and I think, "Okay, so?"
I might just be in a /mood/ so when you get better reviews than this, listen to them over me. I don't know how to fix the fact that this poem didn't really punch me in the face like I wanted it to. It just kind of tapped my cheek.
Overall, I'll give your poem six stars of ten. It's pretty good, but I want to see better!
**Keep writing!**
You're right, I need to work on the feeling of the poem. I mainly was just trying to describe something, but I'll definitely take all you said into consideration. Thank you!
Also is there a way to change text size? I'm adding more feeling but I'm try to keep the consistency of just one line per sentence