A/N: First song I'm posting on here ^^ I didn't know what to do today, so I decided to write a song for RavenMoonStone :D Recording coming soon!
For Raven, with the brightest smile,
With her, you won’t suspect she’s a child
Oh, her quirky lines and welcoming signs
Let you know your time here is worthwhile.
*
At first,
I didn’t expect you to fly as high as the rest
But you have changed my way of thinking for the best
And it’s raining here while I write this song
I know you’ll send the sunshine; no it won’t be long.
Oh please stay you, my dear
Your light is shining quite clear
Oh please stay you, my dear
There is no one like you on here.
*
For Raven, I feel like chasing the stars
If we soar up together, it won’t be as hard
And you’ll stay away from my state
And I’ll travel to yours.
But it’s in Antarctica,
Which is pretty far…
*
At first,
I didn’t expect you to fly as high as the rest
But you have changed my way of thinking for the best
And it’s raining here while I write this song
I know you’ll send the sunshine; no it won’t be long.
Oh please stay you, my dear
Your light is shining quite clear.
Oh please stay you, my dear
There is no one like you on here.
*
And you’ll have to excuse my typos
Tablets are rude, that’s what we all know.
And you say you’re not always online
But I see you most of the time.
And when I first talked to you
On the lovely tenth of June
I realized one thing is true:
There is no better
Eleven year old user
Than you…
*
At first,
I didn’t expect you to fly as high as the rest
But you have changed my way of thinking for the best
And it’s raining here while I write this song
I know you’ll send the sunshine; no it won’t be long.
Oh please stay you, my dear
Your light is shining quite clear.
Oh please stay you, my dear
There is no one like you on here.
~Thanks for being a wonderful member, Rae~
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140,178 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Firstly, I'm a little surprised how you've publised this in the poetry category, when there is a lyrics category. But hey-ho. This was really good.
Normally I get kinda annoyed when songs mention that they are in fact lyrics, but here it seems to work really well, because of the invisible presence on the internet involved and the fact it's written to a real person.
Just one slight thing about the chorus that bugs me a little, I don't see why the first line is a line all on its own. You see it seems to me that it scans best when you combine it with the next line down, otherwise the third line down is too long to scan.
Another thing about the chorus, the last line, I think to make it more accurate it should be "There is no-one else like you on here." Because she is on here already.
Finally, I don't think the second verse flows as well as the others, it seems to break out of song, and I think this is because of the ellipsis. It makes it sort of mentally trail off, and I don't think that helps the song.
Overall this is a really nice song, I'd give this 7.9/10.
Yours in reviewing,
Take That You Fiend!
.
**APPLAUSE** This is very very sweet. I love the choice of words. As I was reading I was singing it. Ha-Ha! but I love it, honestly. And I would love to read more of your work. Keep it up, dear. I followed you, I hope you don't mind
With love,
~j.rose
That is so kind of you! Thank you for the lovely comment ^^
*follows back*
Oh, Poet Master, you cease to amaze me.
Great song. Quirking, catchy and pure brilliance. We love both you and Raven -^^-
^ Me right now.
XDDD
You are seriously the best <3
x) hee hee.
No, you are <3 *huggles*
PS. Reviewing Trying ASAP
Take your time XD I still have to finish my review for you
It's a coming
that was amazing. we all love raven. She's the best.
Agreed
I can't help but smile and chuckle as I read this. She definitely deserves to have a song.
Of course, if you know me, meter and rhyme are my niche when it comes to stuff like this. Let's delve in, shall we?
As I read the poem, knowing that it's a song, I allow myself to synthesize a melody and meter to the words. What I like about this work in particular is that most of the verses flow naturally and would certainly make a catchy tune if they were put into musical form.
Of course, the flow of the meter changes when it's translated to a song. The number of syllables is almost irrelevant, since singing one word (or one syllable of a word) for a longer period of time (say, two beats instead of one) can make an uneven meter flow just as well, so take these meter suggestions with a grain of salt. However, keep in mind that an even meter can make it easier to sing without sacrificing quality.
Giving a more in-depth analysis, the first two lines of the above verse are good, but they could benefit from a couple more syllables, at least in my opinion. Try something like this:
Notice that both lines have ten syllables, which makes them connect and flow almost seamlessly.
I would suggest making similar changes to match the meter on some of the verses, especially number three.
I can't get the second line to mesh with the others. An 8-syllable, 6-syllable couplet is an excellent formula for songs, but an 8-9 is a bit discordant. (This is just the way I sing the melody in my head, but concerning "You'll have to", I don't count "to" as a full syllable since it melds with "excuse", pronounced more like "t'excuse". This only takes up two syllables, meaning the whole line has eight.)
I've probably rambled on for far too long about this subject, but I'm a drummer, so manipulating rhythm comes naturally to me. Anyway, I hope Raven enjoyed it as much as I did.
Thanks for taking the time to read,
-Crunch
This review was very helpful; thank you! I'll work on what you mentioned. The "tablets are rude line" is still kind of iffy to me so I'll try to fix that so its the 8-6 couplet. Thank you Crunch ^^
~Going to fully review later~
)
I love it! Rae deserves it!
I bet you've guessed she's the youngest here. I'm actually her age ^D^ (EXACTLY her age.
Luv you, Raven and Writer <3
I did not know that XD
*you guys are both awesome 11 year olds*
*she's not the youngest here* 0-o Her brother is...
Thanks Writer
and I know (It's not like I forgot he was a member on YWS or anything...)
I just have to quickly mention that the verse that begins 'And you'll have to excuse my typos' for some reason sounded like rap in my head. None of the rest of them did. I just thought you'd like to know that.
I honestly can't review. I see no flaw in this!
(also idk how to review lyrics but nvm)
hee hee, I don't think I'll rap this, however o_o (it wouldn't sound good at all lol)
Thank you <3
Haha! You're welcome
Hey, Gretel! Raven here for a review- this actually might be a comment. I'm not sure yet! A lot of people are waiting for me to say what I think about this. I believe you sent this to me in a PM and my responses were, "Thank you! It's wonderful!" and "i LOVE IT!"
Yay! A bit more of her personality!
This is filled with so many inside jokes and wonderful rhyming lines! I love the effort that went into this! <3
~Rae,
DARN IT. I SENT IT AS A REVIEW... I did not mean to. It was instinct after signing out as Rae. >.<
XD Good job! *totally didn't make her do this*
*I was totally going to comment anyway*
You guys are awesome XD (Rae DOES seem like a wonderful person, doesn't she?)
Thanks, Rae~
Aw c:
this is so cute, yo
A very touching poem.
My favorite is the fifth stanza:
And you'll have to excuse my typos
Tablets are rude, that's what we all know.
And you say you're not always online
But I see you most of the time.
And when I first talked to you
On the lovely tenth of June
I realized one thing is true:
There is no better
Eleven year old user
Than you...
I found that really amusing and sweet.
Keeping writing, I'd love to see some more of your work!
~BookWolf
Thank you ^^
I'm just waiting for Raven to comment on this super sweet song
*tiptoes away*
And for the audio version
How do you know if she smiles if you haven't seen her face? O:::
You must read minds! xD
I think Rae actually did post a picture of herself once...
It's true, she did post a picture of herself ^^
It's taken down now! I got in trouble for posting one.
*well at least I got to see it heh heh*
I want to know the tune too!
It shall come <3