A/N: Haven't posted here in a millennium it feels like! If any of you study Latin, it would be awesome to hear from you about my translation (it's probably weak, I know). But thanks guys! (Also the English writing may be primitive, but again, it's a translation from Latin, so that's as good as I could do).
Accedere lucem, primus debemus cademus
genua nostrum abrademus, cores noster
saucium erunt. Ac sanguis cursus permanabit,
flumen aggerem velut frangebit, et sic sacrificum
facetur. Sed in futtile hunc non facemus,
quod oportet pluviam gerere ante sol revinit.
Quod oportet tenebrae existere ante lucem est.
Sine labore, lucem accedere non possumus.
In spatio, res omnis causam tenebit
et lux intra nobis urebit:
Mollis pulcherque candor.
To come near the light we must first fall
We will scrape our knees
Our hearts will be wounded.
And running blood will leak
Just as a river breaks the dam,
And thus a sacrifice is made.
But we do not do this in vain,
Because it is necessary to
Bear the rain before the sun returns.
Because it is necessary for
darkness to exist
Before there is light.
Without suffering, we are not
able to come near the light.
In time, all things will have cause
And the light will burn within us:
A soft and beautiful glow.
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139,347 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Hello! I'm here representing Team Potter for review day! Whoo! Go team go!
To be honest, I don't know any Latin at all, but I can imagine that it sounds beautiful when read aloud. My Catholic friend used to take me to Latin mass, and it was quite enjoyable. Probably because I couldn't tell that they were condemning me for my sins xD
But anyway, I'll focus on the translation.
I agree with this concept to an extent. While I think that suffering happens, I do not necessarily believe that it has to come before happiness.
The simple imagery in the poem is usually not to my taste, but it was so plain that it was elegant. You put your idea out there, and you added a light and dark motif to scraped knees and sacrifice. It almost seems like a religious poem, though you do not reference any god. While it is a warning that it is hard to find happiness, it is also incredibly peaceful, as if this is a fact of life, and the sacrifice is worth it to find that glow.
I find this poem really lovely, though I don't know why. I think it is the serenity that it exudes.
The one thing that I didn't like so much was the repetition of the line "because it is necessary." I think that you could have stated that in a different way the second time. It's just that the repeated lines are a little too close together to function properly.
Another thing that I just noticed is that you broke the lines in different places for the translation. While I understand that there can be issues with line breaks and translation, I really wanted to experience the enjambment you seemed to have in the Latin version. It would be nice if the translation could stick closer to the grammatical format of the original. But that's your choice. I don't know Latin, so you've got me beaten on this one.
Altogether, I really enjoyed this poem. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy writing, and happy review day!
Thanks for your thoughts, Morrigan!
I tried my very best to keep everything close together, but Latin poetry is so different. (if you ever look up Scansion, you'll see ;-;). I may look at moving things around, but I'm still a novice! That's a very good idea to try, actually.
I appreciate your viewpoint, thank you for your kind words and your suggestions
I came across this today because the title intrigued me. While I did not personally study Latin (yet), I enjoy seeing it being used in writing. I actually did use it in one of my stories so, I was excited to see what this was about.
Looking at the poem I have to say it is not bad. I like the way it's put together and what you are trying to say, but parts of it do seem just a bit odd and off.
In the end, I think you wrote a very well put together poem as well as a translation for it. (Google translate actually did understand the first half of this for the most part).
Keep writing, and keep up with the use of Latin, and have a good day.
Hello! Elysium FINALLY here for that review I promised! c:
Let's get down to business, shall we?
Now, I really liked that you put this in Latin, but I unfortunately do not study Latin, so I used the translation. Thank you for including that. The poem isn't too bad, but the vocabulary could be better. You used simple words, which is okay, but if you upped your vocab, this poem would be improved.
Looking at the poem itself (the part in English, haha) it looks okay. I like the aesthetics of it. The format is very simple, and I like the topic. You begin with, "You have to do this and this to reach paradise," yet you added some detail by adding key factors of what you have to do. Poems like this that I have read seem flat, but this isn't bad at all. And probably most important of all, this poem is true and you can relate to it easily. As I said, the vocabulary could have been improved to make this a lot better. c:
Sorry for the terribly short review, but this is pretty much all I had to say about this. Latin is such a beautiful language and I myself would like to learn it. Good job with this. Don't give up and always write!
-Elysium
Thanks! It might be harder to review without having studied Latin before, because my main focus was the Latin text (the english was too show what's being said) but vocabulary in English is usually more primitive, and poetry is often simpler (take odis et amo). Latin poetry is a difficult thing lol.
Thanks for giving me your thoughts.
I don't know much (or any) Latin, but great job! ^^
Haha that's ok! Thanks
Comment on this please, I will review it later. c:
Sure